The Bastich of Hogwarts
by SkorchNTorch
Summary: After two years of things going about as bad as they could, Albus Dumbledore decided Harry needs more than just magic training in order to defend himself form the Dark Lord. So, he gets in contact with the Main Man, believing he may be the best candidate to become Harry's bodyguard of sorts. Let's see those Dark Wizard bastiches try and kill the kid now!
1. A New Job, A New World

The Steaming Load wasn't a place any self-respecting human would be caught dead in, what with its rusted walls, horrific stench of alcohol and extremely violent patrons, it was a place most would attempt to avoid at all costs.

It was also in space, so that tended to be a bit of a hindrance too.

However, if you needed a bounty hunter, it was the best place to be. The galaxy's deadliest, smartest, toughest and cruelest hunters could be found here, and with enough cash, almost anything could be done.

Needed someone dead? Done.

Someone screwed you out of money that was rightfully yours? They'd get it back. And more.

Your Lego Millennium Falcon was broken? Oh, they were SO dead…

However, there was one rule all the patrons knew better than to ever even think about breaking…

Well, almost anyone.

_**WHAM!**_

A hunter was left dazed as he was thrown one-handed into the nearby wall, leaving a sizable dent and most likely damaging his skull.

"Ya fraggin' bastich, what part of 'Get the hell outta my seat' didn't ya understand!?"

The last Czarnian didn't care about too much, just the basics of life; women, booze, cash, violence, his bike, and his favourite bar stool.

Stretch was a bounty hunter Lobo had heard about in the past. Decent rep, seemed like an all-around fine dude, Lobo had no real issue with him… Until he took his bar stool and refused to move.

"Bite… me…" Stretch growled, clearly not thinking straight, and a few of the patrons who were nearby backed up as Lobo approached. Grabbing the alien, Lobo dragged him into the grimy bathrooms and closed the door behind him. A few minutes later, Lobo left.

"Hey, uh… you might not wanna go in there for a bit… just sayin'." He remarked, looking around the bar before returning to his drink. He had just finished up another contract, and was beginning his usual post-contract routine, drinking heavily.

After a few hours, Lobo left the bar, and headed back to his bike, deciding to piss around for a bit, and see if there were any contracts that interested him. When he got to his bike, he paused when he saw an odd green fire appear in front of him, and after a few moments, a rolled-up note appeared.

"The hell kinda contact was that?" He muttered, picking up. The paper and unrolling it. He groaned as he saw it seemed to be written in some sort of elitist cursive. The Main Man respected good penmanship, but this was just showing off.

"Ugh… yadda, yadda if you are who we think you are… blah, blah, blah, we wanna hire you for four years… et cetera, et cetera- Wait. Four years?!" Lobo paused and actually read the note carefully this time.

'If you are who we believe you to be, and your reputation doesn't lie, we have a job for you. It is not the type of job you may be used to, but we promise it would pay more than usual. We would like to hire your services to protect someone important to our organization. The job would last roughly four years and we would see to that your food and board is covered. If you are interested, please come to the following address...'

Lobo paused thinking it over. This seemed… boring. He was a bounty hunter! Not some body guard to some snobbish king, or prince or whatever, his job was, is and always shall be about violence.

But free food and board for four years? Plus, four years' worth of pay just to guard someone? Lobo thought it over, then looked at the address at the bottom of the paper.

"Earth…" He grumbled. "Of course, it always has to be earth…"

Lobo looked to his bike, then up to the cosmos above, then shrugged.

"_Could be interestin', and if not, I'll just haul ass." _Lobo shrugged, getting onto his bike and kicking the engines into high gear, he shot off into the blackness of space, heading towards earth.

_Back on Earth…_

"Albus, are you sure this is a good idea?" Minerva ask skeptically, looking to the old headmaster of Hogwarts.

"Minerva, I don't like the idea much more than you do. But after you-know-who managed to get onto Hogwarts, we need to take precautions. Even if we don't get a response, we can't sit idly by and wait for something else to happen."

"Yes but… The kind of magic you attempted… had it even been used before?"

"By a few, yes." Albus nodded. "Most notably by a man named Kent Nelson."

"The sorcerer the muggles call Doctor Fate?" Severus asked, almost in disbelief. "Please, tell me you don't believe the stories about that insane man…"

"What to you may be stories Severus, to me are reality." Albus answered calmly. "I've seen him perform acts which no magic user has ever been able to perform. At least, not to the extent he can perform them."

"What was the man's name you were told about? Wolf?" Minerva then asked, deciding to steer the conversation away from the legends and supposedly tall-tales of Dr. Fate (although much like Albus, she had seen more than enough to be convinced…).

"It was L-"

"Alright ya bastiches! The main man has arrived!" A deep voice yelled as the doors to the small room were forcefully kicked off of their hinges. The three magic users recoiled in surprise as in walked a giant of a man, almost the same as Hagrid's height and build. But that was were any and all similarities to a regular human ended. His skin was chalk white, and his eyes were blood-red. His spiked hair was pitch-black, the same colour as the leather jacket he wore, a jacket that was missing both its sleeves and had several spikes along the shoulders. Albus noted the odd markings going from his mouth up to his eyes, and a chain was wrapped around his right arm. His kneecaps were covered by two metallic skulls, that both seemed to be used for intimidation, and for armour. As he took a long drag off of his cigar, he looked around at the three in the room.

"Fetal's giz… The hell kinda contract you old-ass D&D players wanna hire me for?"

"Albus… who… or what… is that?" Minerva finally got out, feeling genuinely unnerved for the first time in a long time. She had been through much in her life, but there was something about the… alien, the muggle word was the only word she could think of right now, standing in front of her.

"Are you… Wolf?" Albus finally asked.

"The hell?" Lobo blinked in confusion. "Who the hell's Wolf? Th'name's Lobo."

"Ah, right…" Albus coughed. "Minerva? This is Lobo, the man I was told about, and the one I was trying to contact."

"Yo." Lobo remarked.

"Albus, you can't be serious!" Minerva finally exclaimed. "You want _HIM _to watch over Harry Potter?!"

"Yeah, how's about you tell me what exactly this contract is, and why you're cutting into my drinking time." Lobo added, and it was clear form his tone, that he wasn't in the mood for games or run-arounds.

"Right… er, Mr. Lobo, if you'd like." Albus nodded, motioning to the chairs. Lobo walked over and flipped one around and sat down, exhaling a smoke cloud. "My name is Albus Dumbledore. Headmaster of Hogwarts School of-"

Lobo stifled a laugh, cutting Albus off, but the old man decided to let it go.

"This is Minerva McGonagall-"

Again, Lobo was trying to hide his laughter.

"And Severus Snape."

Lobo couldn't hold it back anymore. He just started laughing in utter disbelief.

"Oh, I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" He laughed. "Just… holy fragaroli… I was not expecting that. But putting that aside, what do you wanna hire me for? I ain't used to being a bodyguard."

"Right, well… I assume you've figured out that we are not… regular people, so to speak."

"No crap gramps." Lobo remarked flatly. "From yer' stench, to the old clothin'. It's obvious, you're those magic users who never left the eleventh century."

Albus was surprised by Lobo's bluntness, as well as his ability to discern their magical powers. Either Lobo had been around wizards and witches before… of the magic they used to disguise themselves form the Muggle world wasn't what it used to be.

"Right, well. There's a young boy named Harry Potter, in our world he is… unique, and is of the utmost importance to us."

"An'someone wants him fragged." Lobo said matter-of-factly. "Aye… this feels weird. Usually I'm the one fraggin' the bastich…"

Minerva's eyes widened in horror, which didn't go unnoticed by Lobo.

"Yer yellow, ain't ya?" He remarked. "Eh, everyone's nervous when they see their fist kill. But I digress, you want me to… protect some kid? Why?"

"There are forces beyond our comprehension." Albus said in a very serious tone. To his credit, Lobo appeared to be paying attention. "For while there are many wizards who use their powers to assist others in their everyday life, there are a small group who use their magic for twisted deeds."

"Yeah, I've delt with bastiches like those before…" He muttered, nodding in agreement.

"Due to the… sensitive nature of this information, I can't tell you much more without first making this clear; if you refuse this job, your mild will be partially erased so you'll have no recollection of his conversation." Albus said, laying all the cards on the table. What no one expected, was what Lobo said next:

"It won't work, I can tell ya that now."

"Ex..excuse me?"

"Mind control, mind alteration, whatever you wanna call it. It won't work on me." Lobo said plainly. "Entities much more powerful than you have tried, but my brain's too binary. You can't alter what it already knows."

"Mr. Lobo, I don't doubt you may have had experience with magic before, but I can assure you that you cannot-" Dumbledore began only to fall into a horrified silence as Lobo took a large knife off of his belt and slashed his throat wide open. With a number of sickening _CRACKS! _And the sound of ripping flesh, Lobo tore his own head off and tossed it onto the table. His headless body fell to its knees and began bleeding profusely. The wizards and witch present stared in absolute horror. They had never seen such a barbaric action, especially one committed on one's self!

"Sorry, you were saying?"

If it was impossible for Albus' jaw to drop further than it already was, he found a way. The three stared in disbelief at Lobo's head, which blinked and turned to look at them.

"Seriously, I can do this ten-thousand-fold to myself. Yer magic can't do crap to me."

Lobo's body then pulled itself up, and put his head back onto his shoulder, and it seemed to re-attach itself. Lobo cracked his neck and sat back down.

"How… how did you do that?" Minerva mumbled.

"I've been banned from Heaven and Hell, technically speaking, I can't die." Lobo grinned, leaning forward, his blood red eyes blazing with bloodlust. "Now, why don't you tell me about this job?"

The three were still left in a horrified silence, until Minerva cleared her throat.

"Right. Well… Long ago, there was a wizard who's name we don't speak of-"

"*cough*Pussy!*cough*" Lobo loudly coughed into his hand. Minerva now seemed somewhat angered but continued.

"Regardless, this wizard was a tyrant, killing all who stood in the way of his twisted plans. However, Harry Potter defeated him, as a newborn."

Lobo blinked in disbelief, he seemed genuinely shocked by what he was just told.

"Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there." Lobo said, picking up the cigar that had fallen out of his mouth. "Look, I've seen an' done things that are literally impossible. I've killed people who don't exist. But a BABY killing wizard Hitler? How the hell does that work!?"

The wizards went silent, not liking how much they had divulged already, but at the same time, Albus was growing desperate.

"We don't know." He finally lied. "All we know is that he did."

"Okay, so do you want me to frag this unspeakable bastich?" Lobo asked. "Cause that'd be a lot easier than protecting some kid."

"At the moment, he is dead." Albus finally said. "But his followers will stop at nothing to resurrect him."

Lobo was silent for a few moments, thinking it over. So, some magical kid was the target of some group of idiots who probably cried themselves to sleep while listening to Marylin Manson, and these old coots wanted him to protect said kid."

"If I say yes." Lobo tentatively began. "There's a number of things you need to know. Non-negotiable terms, so to speak."

Albus frowned himself, having a bad feeling as to what these could potentially be. But, he finally asked: "Which are?"

"I ain't giving up drinking, or smoking." Lobo began matter-of-factly. "Secondly, if people attack the kid, most likely they will die violent horrible deaths, and if you try and hold me accountable for doing my job, that'll be an issue. On top of that, if other kids try and hurt him, they're leaving with shattered bones. Also, I use guns, get over it. Finally, I'm not wearing the crap you're wearing."

"Oh, is that all?" Albus asked with a sparkle in his eyes. "Well, I believe those could be accommodated."

From the looks on Minerva and Snape's faces, one could easily be led to believe Albus was lying. But Lobo could tell he was being sincere.

"Well, in that case, let's talk money." Lobo smirked, leaning forward.

"Of course, from what we've learned about your record, you tend to work on jobs that wouldn't be as long as the job we're asking you to do." Dumbledore continued, while Minerva and Snape were looking to one another as if Dumbledore had jumped on the table and flashed everyone. "Regardless, we're willing to pay you several vaults worth of gold for your services, as well as accommodating you…"

Lobo wasn't paying attention, the mention of 'four vaults worth of gold' was making him internally scream like a little girl at a boy band concert. He was thinking of all the booze and cigars he could buy… the dolphin feed… the upgrades to the Space Hog! And all for watching some kid for four years? Screw the fact that this wasn't his typical type of job! He'd be insane to pass this up.

"Ya got yerself a deal." Lobo spoke up, cutting Albus off-mid sentence.

"Excuse me?" Albus asked.

"Ya got yerself a deal." Lobo repeated himself. "Tell me where the kid is and I'll get to work."

"Are you certain?" Dumbledore asked tentatively, although hopeful that Lobo was telling the truth.

"Hell yeah." Lobo grinned, before exhaling another cloud of smoke. "The Main Man's in."

Extending a hand forward, Lobo grinned again, almost devilishly.

"Albus, are you sure this is a good idea!?" Minerva hissed. "You're bringing a sociopath and a brute into Hogwarts!"

"I have to agree with Minerva." Snape spoke up in his dry tone. "We haven't discussed this with the ministry, and do you really want this… thing in Hogwarts?"

"Hey, if they let shrivel pear ladies in, I shouldn't be an issue." Lobo snarked. Snape blinked, then scowled in anger.

"Albus, I want Harry protected as well, but this is a mistake!" The old witch hissed again. "Do you not see what this man is!? How do we know he won't turn on us if someone offers him more money?!"

"You know I have excellent hearing, right?" Lobo said flatly. "An' to answer your concern, the Main Man's word is his bond. I've never broken a contract, regardless of how much was offered."

Minerva didn't reply, there was something in Lobo's tone that seemed so absolutely sincere that she couldn't say he was lying. That didn't mean she liked this though.

"Minerva, this is for the greater good." Albus said matter of factly. "This will protect not only Harry Potter, but Hogwarts as well."

Turning back to Lobo, he shook the Czarinan's hand, solidifying the contract.

"So, where's the kid at?" Lobo asked. "I get the feeling the kid may need some time to get used to having me around."

"Well, he should be heading back to Hogwarts tomorrow." Albus began. "I can provide you with a map if you need directions-"

"Nah, I'm good." Lobo waved dismissively. "I got yer stench. I'll just follow that back to the school. I'mma go get ready for this new gig. See ya!"

Without another word, Lobo got up and left the room, leaving a hopeful Albus, a horrified Minerva, and an annoyed Snape. The trio watched as he got onto an odd-looking vehicle and ignited the engines, flying off into the sky.

Minerva wanted to scream, she wanted to blast Albus with all sorts of hexes… But she knew he had a point. Voldemort _had _returned, twice in fact. But saying she didn't like Lobo from their first meeting would be like saying the goblins love gold. He seemed vulgar, crude, and the absolute opposite of anyone who should be protecting Harry Potter. Still, he had sliced his own head off, and without magic, continued to live. Whatever he was, he was clearly a force to be reckoned with. Although she wasn't happy about it, Minerva knew she'd have to see how this went, and deal with Lobo herself if need be.

"Minerva, I understand your apprehension." Albus continued in his reassuring tone (that was extremely un-reassuring right now) "But I believe that while he may seem… odd, Lobo will be what we need in order to keep Harry safe. You heard him say himself that he was going to get ready for work. I believe he'll be doing everything in his power to ensure Harry's safety."

Meanwhile, Lobo was preparing for his new job by getting absolutely smashed.


	2. Friend? Foe? Who Cares, I Have A Gun

The aptly nicknamed 'Golden Trio' were in good spirits as they reconnected with one another on the Hogwarts Express. Things had been… interesting for Harry over the past few days. He had somewhat exposed magic to Muggles, but then everything seemed fine due to… reasons. After meeting with Minister Fudge, Harry had been reunited with his two friends in Hogsmeade, and things were looking up.

For about ten seconds.

The wizarding world had been in a borderline panic at the news of the escape of the magical madman Sirius Black. Apparently, Black had it in for Harry (_Just another name to the list_ Harry had thought.) and a massive man hunt was under way to find him before anyone got harmed. This was on top of rumors of some 'albino behemoth' as patrons of the Leaky Cauldron had referred to him as making the rounds in Hogsmeade. From what the rumors had been, apparently this newcomer was a giant of a man, and seemed ready to fight anyone who looked at him funny, and who had apparently broken several bar stools over peoples' heads when they tried to challenge him. Harry mostly dismissed those rumors though. He was heading back to school, so if someone was trying to start trouble in the wizarding town, there were people to deal with it.

Finally, Hedwig had brought Harry a letter form Dumbledore, telling him that there he had taken precautions to ensure nothing like the last two years would happen again. To Harry's bewilderment, he didn't say much more, in fact, it seemed like Dumbledore was in a rush writing the letter. Regardless, Harry was somewhat relieved to know that Dumbledore was doing his best to keep everyone safe.

Meanwhile, Fred and Gorge were laughing as they watched one of their pranks go off without a hitch, making a fourth-year Slytherien scream in shock as her mirror showed a skeletal reflection. The twins were trying to find their next target, when they heard a knock at the window.

"Uh… Fred?" George said, blinking in disbelief. "You may wanna see this…"

Fred and Gorge looked to see a man riding some odd contraption looking in at them.

"Yo! I'm looking for Harry Pot? Ya know where he is?" The man asked. The twins were left in surprised shock, then George finally said:

"Uh… I think he's with our little brother, a few cars up."

"Cool. Thanks." The man replied before pulling a lever and shooting off faster than the twins thought possible.

"…You saw that right?" Fred asked.

"Yup." His twin replied.

"That was real, right?"

"Yup."

"That was awesome!"

"Yup!"

"…we probably shouldn't've told him where Harry was though…"

"…yup."

Currently, Harry and Ron were talking about their summer break, while Hermione felt something… off. A cold feeling started to creep across her spine, and then she saw why. Flying next to the window was a ten-foot-tall ghost being, covered in a dark, hooded cloak revealing only it's decayed-looking hands. Of course, Hermione knew what they were, and like just about anyone who knew what these beings were, she was terrified the sight. Harry and Ron's conversation immediately stopped as terror formed on their faces. Stories of dementor's had been used to terrify children for ages, with the catch being that they were _real_. Harry hadn't seen one in real life before, and admittedly, he never wanted to. With an odd hiss, the creature pulled itself in through the window, it's ghostly body shifting to a foggy form before regaining it's frightening figure. The dementor seemed to be looking for something, or someone, but suddenly it reached out for Harry, hissing something unintelligible.

"Uh… 'Mione? You have any idea what to do?!" Ron whispered in fear.

"N..no…" She stammered in response. She had read there were spells to be used against dementors, but in the moment, she couldn't remember them. She also hadn't learned them, so that was a bit of an issue too.

Harry felt his mind freezing, his eye sight was going. He knew what was happening, he was passing out, but he didn't know why. Rumor had it that dementors didn't cause wizards or witches to pass out at the mere presence of one, but they also drained their victims of all feelings of happiness, so maybe whoever claimed you wouldn't pass out near them wasn't thinking straight at the time. Harry felt the paranoid feeling of his throat closing, as if some unseen force was holding it shut, keeping him from breathing or screaming for help.

Just as Harry felt like he was about to go under, the dementor shrieked in surprise as a sharp, jagged meat hook stabbed into its side and it was quite literally ripped out of the train car and sent careening into the rocky river below. The sound of deep laughter, rattling chains, an odd roar, and rock music got the attention of everyone who could look out the window to try and see what was happening.

Harry gasped for breath, feeling life returning to him, but what he saw made him question if the dementor had damaged his brain. Some… thing, was riding what looked like a flying motor cycle, spinning a chain with a large meat hook on the end back around his arm. He turned and looked through the window with a toothy grin.

"Any of you Harry Potter?" He asked.

"Um, that… that's me…" Harry said before he was able to stop himself. "Who are-"

"Cool, I'll be right in." The man cut Harry off, pulling up he disappeared from sight, until a loud _THUD _could be heard on the rooftop, followed by heavy footsteps. Finding a hatch, Lobo effortlessly dropped down into the somewhat cramped hallway of the train car he was in. Looking around in confusion, he saw a group of what he assumed were pre-teens staring in slack-jawed shock at him.

"What?" He asked, only to not get a response. "Fine, be that way ya bastiches…"

Walking for about five seconds, Lobo found the room with his tar-er, person he needed to keep alive, and moved in. Sitting across from a dark-haired boy, a brown-haired girl, and a ginger who had moved to the other side of the car as he entered. Sitting down, the seats creaked slightly as the man looked at Harry.

"Th'name's Lobo." Lobo introduced himself. "Not sure if he told you, but the old coot running this place hired me to keep you alive."

No one said anything, which Lobo had expected.

"Y..you're…going…" Harry began, trying to form words.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, look." Lobo said with a wave of his hand. "Lemme explain. That old dude got in touch with me, and gave me a job offer, for the next four or so years, he wants me to keep whoever wants you dead, dead. Okay, maybe not dead, but at least unable to hurt you."

"_Albus hired… this… thing? What exactly is he? To protect Harry from the dark lord!?" _Hermione's mind was racing with hundreds of questions, but there was something about 'Lobo's' presence that gave her pause before voicing her questions.

"I don't know whose beer you pissed in to require me watching your back, but hey. A job's a job." Lobo shrugged. "So… if anyone tries anything, or just pisses you off, let me know, and I'll make em' regret it."

"And you're going to be my bodyguard?" Harry finally asked, trying to figure out exactly what Lobo was getting at.

"Kinda, yeah." The Czarnian nodded. "If whoever this asshole you guys can't speak of comes back, or any of his Manson family rejects try anything, let me know, and I'll deal with them."

"_If he's as strong as he looks… this could be a God send!" _Harry thought. Sure, he could handle himself, and he had done things no one his age could possibly have done, but knowing that what he could only describe as a jacked-up albino Hagrid was going to keep him safe? That made him feel… oddly safe. He hadn't known Lobo for more than a minute, and maybe it was his fears of the dark lord returning guiding his mind, but Harry was inclined to believe him. Or rather, extend a wary amount of trust to him.

"Sorry, what exactly are you?" The bushy-haired girl finally asked, making Lobo turn to her with a raised brow.

"I'm the Last Son of Czarina, and the only Czarnian remaining." Lobo answered, deciding to leave the 'I'm-the-last-one-because-I-fragged-the-rest' portion of that out for now. When he saw her confused look, he said bluntly: "To a human, I'd be considered an alien."

"An alien?!" Hermione shouted in disbelief. "But… they don't…"

"Listen kid, your kind struggles to get past the giant rock testicle orbiting this dirtball without running out of air, there's no way you would've ever heard about Czarina, or any of the places I was traveling to when I was half you age."

This answer left Hermione in mute astonishment, Lobo had to be joking! But… what was a Czarnian? She had never even heard about these beings, and she had read the entire library at Hogwarts. Twice. Also, living in the muggle world, she knew what Lobo was getting at. Muggles had been trying to travel into space, but with little to no success. This meant Albus somehow managed to contact an alien (presumably) bounty hunter with magic!

"I take it she's the brains you three?" Lobo flatly asked, reading Hermione's face.

"She's the brains of the entire school." Harry answered.

"Ah. And him?" Lobo asked, casting a glance to Ron.

"He's my friend." Harry said matter-of-factly. "I probably wouldn't've survived the past few years without him."

"Okay, cool." Lobo nodded. "I ain't here to try and take you away from them, I just wanna get an idea of who I'm gonna be seeing."

"You said you were 'hired', would that make you a mercenary?" Hermione tentatively asked. While she didn't pay too much attention, she had seen the occasional news report about mercenary death groups enacting bloody violence in other countries.

"Not a mercenary. I'm a bounty hunter." Lobo answered. "Difference is simple, mercs are dumbasses who will die for some African regime or will toss away their morals for money, I'm a man of my word, no matter how much money gets offered, I'll keep my promise and finish the job I'm hired ta do. On top of that, bounty hunters are more… respectable, so to say. We don't just kill people if they get in our way."

Hermione thought it over, and nodded.

"_I can't believe she's buying this!" _Lobo mentally exclaimed, beginning to fight an uphill battle to not laugh.

"Anyhow, I'm gonna be around the joint." Lobo remarked, standing up. "So again, stuff happens, let me know."

With that, the golden trio watched as the last Czarnian left, heading back into the hall and heading… somewhere. The students all watched in silent shock as the bounty hunter walked back to the middle of the car and jumped, pulling himself back up onto the roof. Whistling, Lobo called his spacehog to come pick him up, but paused for a moment. He cast a glance over the valley the train was traveling through. The Main Man watched for a moment, then blinked.

"Hm." He mused, before jumping onto his bike and flying off.

"Harry… did you have anything to do with this?!" Hermione finally managed to ask, having found her voice.

"No! 'Mione, why would you think that?" Harry asked, bewildered. "I didn't know Albus was even considering hiring more security!"

"Well… maybe he'll be what the school needs." Ron reasoned. Harry blinked and Hermione seemed outraged by that suggestion. "Oh, c'mon! The past two years have had multiple students nearly _die_ and some of the worst beings nearly return! Maybe hiring something like that is what we need."

"And what if Lobo ends up being worse than everything we've seen combined?" Hermione countered, still rather unsettled by this. "Harry, you can't seriously believe this is a good idea. Especially with Sirius having escaped recently, this may be putting your life in even more danger!"

"Yeah… but what if it isn't?" Harry finally replied, albeit somewhat awkwardly. "Maybe he's what he says he is. If that's the case, I don't think we have to worry about Black."

"Or the Dementors." Ron added. "speaking of which, why were they here?!"

"Ron! Don't change the subject!" Hermione snapped. "Harry, I've read every account of every mystical monster to ever exist. I've never heard of a 'Czarnian' before, and now the only one in existence shows up, and says he's going to protect you!?"

"I have to admit, he seems kind of interesting." Harry shrugged. "If he's an alien, then that means he may not be magical, but he still somehow managed to find Hogwarts. I'm not saying I'm fully in support of this, or fully against it, but let's wait until we get to Hogwarts and then go from there. Maybe we can talk to the headmaster and he could explain things a bit better…"

At Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore was speaking with the half-giant Hagrid. In his haste to prepare for the coming year, he hadn't mentioned the fact that he had hired Lobo to him yet. In all honesty, Minerva, Severus and himself were the only ones who knew about the bounty hunter's contract.

"So yer syain' you hired an _alien_ to protect 'arry?" Hagrid asked, the disbelief clear in his voice. "Albus, have you been drinking that Dragon Blood whiskey again?"

"Hagrid, I assure you I'm telling the truth." Albus insisted, only to hear a loud roar and look up to see a figure approaching. "If you don't believe me, you can ask him any questions you have yourself."

Hagrid looked up in confusion, and his eyes widened in surprise as he saw the chalk-white man come down towards the ground on some sort of bizarre motorcycle. Hagrid couldn't say it was like his. As the engines died down, Lobo got off his boke and walked over to Albus.

"Yo." He said with a slight nod.

"Mr. Lobo? This is Rubeus Hagrid, grounds keeper and professor of Care of Magical Creatures." Albus introduced the two. There was a brief silence until Hagrid held his hand out.

"Well, nice ta meet you Mr. Lobo." He said.

"Same to you." Lobo nodded, shaking Hagrid's hand. He was a bit surprised how big this man was, he was almost taller than him. "So… this is a school?" He remarked, looking up to the castle of Hogwarts.

"Indeed, it's stood for over a thousand years." Albus nodded, noting the genuine surprise in Lobo's eyes.

"Holy frag-aroli." He muttered, then shook his head. "By the way, I met with the kid. Seems like a good guy."

"Oh, you've met Harry?" Albus said feeling somewhat relieved, as he hadn't been able to scribe all the information he wanted to in his letter to Harry. "That's-"

"What was with the grey ghost that was trying to suck him off?" Lobo suddenly asked flatly. The headmaster and half-giant were left in mute shock.

"E..excuse me?" Albus finally sputtered.

"When I went to meet with him, there was this weird-ass ghost thing, it seemed to sucking some sort of… well, something. The kid had nearly passed out."

"Impossible!" Dumbledore exclaimed. "The dementors wouldn't attack a student! They-"

"Yeah, news flash. _They did_." Lobo cut him off in a flat tone. "I ripped it offa the kid, seemed fine after. I don't know if they can survive being thrown onto a jagged rock formation, but hey. It was dealt with."

Albus seemed furious at something, and stormed off muttering to himself, leaving the Czarnian and the half-giant outside.

"Uhh… He okay?" Lobo asked.

"I've never seen him this angry." Hagrid admitted. "But to answer yer questin' those 'ghost things' were brought here to find an escaped criminal."

"That Black dude? I saw the poster around town." Lobo mused. "Why the hell would they come here tho? I think it's weird enough I'm here, why would they need lanky reapers trying to suck people off." He paused then added: "That sounds extremely wrong out of context, I'm sorry."

"Well, Sirius claimed he wanted Harry dead-"

_Chk-chk!_

Before Hagrid could say another word, Lobo had taken his sawed-off double-barrel, cracked it open, loaded it, and holstered it.

"That's why I'm here." Lobo stated.

"We don't know how or even if Sirius will try to get into Hogwarts, but the dementors were meant to incapacitate him if he tried anything.

"A'right." Lobo nodded. "So. Where am I bunkin'?"

It was the time of the year most of the students loved most. The welcoming feast. The sorting hat ceremony had finished and the meal had begun. Harry had confirmed Lobo's claim about the dementor attack, and Albus swore it would be dealt with post-haste. But now, Dumbledore had some announcements to make. Tapping on his glass for everyone's attention, he stood and began with his customary speech:

"Welcome back to yet another year here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!" He began. "I am so happy to see so many new faces, and just as many familiar faces, for those of you who are new here, this is the beginning of an experience that will forever change your life! Here you'll learn skills you never thought possible, make friends that will last lifetimes, and…"

"Hey, you seen that Lobo guy?" Ron whispered, leaning over to Harry.

"No, not since the train." Harry whispered back. "It just occurred to me that no one here knows who or what he is."

"Oh, this'll be bloody interesitn'." Ron smirked.

"…and it is with great pleasure that I can introduce our new staff!" Dumbledore continued. "First, is Mr. Remus Lupin, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher."

A man stood and bowed as there was scattered applause. He seemed like he had a good grip on what he was going to be teaching, Harry thought. At least a grip compared to the previous DADA professor…

"Rubeus Hagrid will be taking over the role as Professor of Care of Magical Creatures."

Hagrid gave a wave as there was more of a reaction this time around.

Meanwhile, Lobo was chilling in a corner that was conveniently both dark and obscured. He had been here for a few hours, and had fallen asleep in the chair he dragged back here. He did get a good view of the 'Sorting Hat' (a talking hat was defiantly one of the weirder things the bounty hunter had seen.) as he declared which 'house' the kids were going into. Speaking of which, he had learned there were four houses: Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. He had also quickly picked up on what the four houses were like: Gryffindor was 'brave' (which also most likely meant 'plain'), Slytherin seemed full of bastiches who would get shanked frequently at the bars he drank at, or would hire someone discreetly to shank someone for them (ironic as their house animal was a snake), Ravenclaw was the nerd house. That was all.

"_And Hufflepuff… The… I dunno. The stoner house?" _Lobo thought. From what he had picked up, they were loyal, valued hard work, dedication, stuff like that. Lobo actually had a hard time thinking about a joke or insult for the house. They seemed like decent people. _"Which means when I think of a good insult, it will be LEGENDARY…"_

"Finally…" Albus began in a bit of an awkward tone. "Those of you in third year and above know that there were some… incidents, in the past two years."

There were murmurs of agreement form the older students, while some of the younger ones seemed confused.

"As such, I've taken it upon myself to ensure security is impenetrable. You may have seen dementors patrolling the school, under no circumstances should you go near them." Dumbledore said with more seriousness than any of the students had seen from him. "Also, in order to deal with certain threats that have been made recently, I've employed the assistance of…" He briefly trailed off, not sure what to call Lobo. An alien? A bounty hunter? A monster? "Of Mr. Lobo."

Hearing his name, Lobo stood up and walked out into the light. There were some gasps and confused and shocked whispers as the last Czarnian walked by. He shot a few Ravenclaw students a look as he passed their table. Smirking to himself as he noted their freaked-out reactions. Except for a blonde-haired girl who not only returned his look, but seemed intrigued. It was also clear this was the first time a number of the staff were seeing Lobo, as their eyes widened comically and then turned to Dumbledore. He came to a stop in front of the teachers table and looked around, taking in the multitude of reactions.

"Hey." He said nonchalantly.

"Lobo will be here as security, as such I expect you all to treat him with respect, and should he ask for it, cooperate…"

Lobo rolled his eyes and made the 'yap, yap, yap' hand motion in front of him where Dumbledore and the others couldn't see. This got a few stifled laughs from the students. He made a few more obscene gestures because… why not. A few minutes later, Albus had finished with his introduction and Lobo looked around the room.

"That's about the size of it ya bastiches." Lobo smirked. "Now if you'll excuse me…"

Without warning, Lobo threw one of his hook directly at the Slytherin table. The hook impaled a roast chicken, and when Lobo pulled back, the chain flipped a bowl of mashed potatoes on to some girlish blonde-haired boy as it returned to him.

"Later." Was all Lobo said, walking off eating the chicken.

"Is… is he insane!?" Hermione exclaimed, shocked not only at the blatant disrespect for the staff, but the fact that he threw a giant serrated hook in the same vicinity of the students.

"I'll admit, he's not what I expected." Harry said, his interest piqued now. Lobo seemed to be as brash and blunt as he had presented himself on the train. And if this was the guy who was going to protect him from the dark lord, Harry had a feeling things may finally be okay.

**Next chapter: Things Are NOT Okay. **

**Also, quick note. Thanks to everyone who's favorited/followed this story so far! If you're here because you follow me and you're wondering where the next chapter of the DBZ React to Death Battle is, I'm working on it. If you want updates on my stories, check my profile page for updates. Or follow me on Twitter NTorch for random thoughts, updates, and me occasionally pissing someone off by telling them the truth. **

**See you later! **


	3. A Bloody Mess (Literal and Figuratively)

It was the end of the first week since classes had begun again for the students, and things seemed to be having a calm start (calm by Hogwarts' standards mind you, but still calm). Harry had seen Lobo a few times, but the Czarnian was mostly hanging out on the sidelines. He had spent most of the week flying around the school, figuring out where everything was, and scaring the ever-loving _crap_ out of some first years who were learning to fly, (earning him the ire of McGonagall). He had also mistaken a black and brown potion for his motor oil, and found out his mistake when the subsequent explosion occurred, (earning him the continued hatred of Snape). However, since barely anyone (namely all of the teachers) knew exactly what motor oil was, Lobo wasn't questioned in the slightest.

Now, this wasn't to say _all _the teachers hated him. Hagrid seemed friendly enough, and while the Main Man wasn't here to make friends, he could tell the half-giant didn't hate him. Yet. Most of the other teachers either ignored him, or gave him LOTS of space, as they didn't know what to say or do around him.

But… it also didn't take the whole five days for Lobo to find someone he wanted to kill. Or… kill again. He had been minding his own business, heading back to his loft when he had noticed a ghost coming down the opposite way. Okay, no big deal. Lobo had seen weirder things before. Lobo belched and took another swig of his drink as he walked by. Unfortunately, the ghost had decided to open his stupid mouth…

"What matter of uncivilized man are you?" He had asked in disbelief.

"I'm the Main Man." Lobo had replied, not really in the mood for this. "If you don't want yer skull crushed a second time, keep moving."

"Bah!" The ghost had retorted. "You _possibly _think some sort of albino wetback slog could possibly harm me!? You are as stupid as you are uncultured! Do you not know who I am?!"

"Some dumbass dressed like a thirteenth century pansy." Lobo scowled, now feeling agitated.

"You dare speak when you look like the kind of man that single witches pay to watch?" The ghost retorted. By now, a number of students had gathered to see what was happening. "What do you possibly have that would make you better than me?!"

"I'm alive." Lobo replied simply. "And I got it _way_ more where it counts."

The Baron blinked in confusion, then recoiled in disgust.

"If you were anything like this when you were alive, then you did the world a favour by offing yourself." Lobo said flatly. "Now do the afterlife a favour and do it again. But don't come back."

"You think you have the ability to speak intelligently? You are nothing more than a mannerless cur- GAK!"

Somehow, defying all logic, Lobo had thrown his hooked chain at the baron, and pulled him towards him. The last Czarnian delivered a powerful punch to the baron's face, sending him flying backwards into a wall. The baron disappeared, then flew back through the wall, looking as shocked as everyone watching.

"How…but…" He sputtered. "That was illogical!"

"The Main Man don't do logical!" Lobo stated, cracking his knuckles. "But I can stomp your skull in seven ways to Sunday!"

For the first time in many, many years, the Bloody Baron was left both speechless and somewhat frightened. This… monster could somehow strike him, without magic! He shot towards this beast, intending to show him the fury of the Baron-

_CRUNCH!_

And was punched directly in the face by Lobo. The chalk-white monster then grabbed his leg and flipped him onto the ground before stomping on his face. This didn't make sense! He felt… pain!? How was this possible?!

The Baron had wheezed and pulled himself up, seeing Lobo had begun to walk away, having raised his middle finger in what had had to assume was an insult. But after somehow being harmed by a muggle, he decided against continuing this spat.

Throwing the door to his room open, Lobo ignored the looks people were giving him and cracked his neck. There wasn't too much for him to do in terms of this job just yet, and while usually the Main Man couldn't care less about who he angered while doing his job, he knew if he was gonna be here for four years, maybe he shouldn't try and piss everyone off. Yet. Grabbing a beer from the cooler, he sat down and kicked his feet up.

In the library, Hermione was slowly growing agitated and genuinely astounded. She had spent most of her free time this past week reading through every beastology and magic monster directory and encyclopedia Hogwarts had. She looked through all sorts of creatures, she even delved into the ones typically believed to be nothing more than wild tales created by magic users who experimented with mushrooms. But there were no records for any sort of being called a 'Czarnian'. She had tried multiple different spellings, cross referenced the many types of lycanthropes that were known, questioning if he was a hybrid… But no matter what she did, there was nothing.

"_I just… no… there has to be SOMETHING!" _She grumbled, briefly casting a glance to the restricted section before shaking her head. Her endless drive for knowledge wasn't enough to get her to break any of the rules.

"'Mione!"

"Gah!" She exclaimed, jumping in her seat, startled and caught off guard. "Harry! Don't sneak up on me like that!"

"Uh, what?" Harry blinked. "'Mione, I've been trying to get your attention for the past five minutes."

The brown-haired girl blinked, realizing she must have completely zoned out and coughed before collecting herself.

"Oh, right." She blinked. "I… I was studying for next weeks test, and-"

"We don't have a test next week." Harry said flatly, seeing right through her. While she may be the smartest girl in the school, that had come with the trade-off of her being a pretty bad liar. In her defence, she found that lying was an the same as speaking entirely in arbitrary words and hoping that whomever you were having a conversation with was able to understand you.

"Yes, I knew that. I was…"

"You have no idea what Lobo is and don't want to accept that there's something you don't know. Do you?" Harry asked with a smug grin. Hermione blinked than scowled slightly.

"The fact that you seem so calm about… something that we don't even know what it is has not only been brought here, but it supposedly going to protect you is very concerning!" She finally said in a quiet, but agitated, tone. "And there _has _to be some proof of a Zarnian or whatever he called himself, somewhere! The fact that there's no known record of them makes me more concerned that this is most likely some sort of trap set by you-know-who to try and get to you!"

"If you're really so torn up about this, I could ask him to answer some of your questions." Harry finally said. "I'm surprised you haven't asked me to do so yet."

Hermione's eyes widened in both hope and shock.

"Y..you'd do that?" She finally got out.

"Hermione, you're my friend." Harry said bluntly. "And besides, you just want to ask him questions, it's not like you'll try to kill him or something."

Meanwhile, Lobo was somehow even more pissed off than when he fought the baron, because some stupid owl was constantly flying up in his face.

"Gah! Frag off ya bird!" He growled, feeling the talon scrape the side of his face.

"Hoo." The owl replied, still trying to get his attention. The owl had just… flown in from somewhere, and had spent the past ten minutes effectively attacking Lobo. The bounty hunter had swatted it away at first, but this only seemed to be making it more determined to annoy him.

"ALL RIGHT THAT'S IT!" Lobo shouted as the bird scratched his face again.

**BOOM!**

Grabbing his shotgun, Lobo fired and reduced the obnoxious owl to a mess of blood and chunks. Lobo breathed in irritation before realizing something: he had fired a gun, in a school that taught magic. Sure, his contract said 'I keep my guns', but it occurred to him now that most of the students probably didn't know what a shotgun was.

Lobo quickly left the scene of his crime and decided to try and act casual so he could avoid suspicion.

As he walked down a hall, he saw several students looking around frightened, clearly unaware of what had happened.

"Hey, it's alright." Lobo spoke up, getting their attention. A few of them whispered to one another in surprise and wonder. "I was clearing some rocks and a statue got knocked over. It's all good, just uh… don't go down there for a bit. Janitor guy needs to work. Thankfully, his lie seemed to work as the students nodded in understanding, or nodded out of fear of angering Lobo. Regardless, it worked.

As he made his way through the main hall, he really didn't know what his current plan of attack was. He wasn't a teacher (he was thankful for that, and the professors were _EXTREMLY _thankful for that) ((yet)), he knew that if he started smoking, he'd probably get yelled at by some knob, but aside from drink, sleep and scare people, what was there to do?

"_I doubt this place has like a soccer team or something…" _He mused. _"Wait. Is it soccer or football here?"_

"Excuse me?"

Stopping and turning around, Lobo looked down and saw the girl from Ravenclaw with the weird glasses had walked up to a few feet away.

"Yeah?" He replied with a raised brow.

"My name is Luna Lovegood." Luna introduced herself, and Lobo snorted slightly. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you a human? Or some sort of half-giant?"

"Heh, neither of those, kid." He smirked. "I'm the last Czarnian in the flesh and blood anyone will ever see."

"Oh, so a Czarnian is some sort of rare beast that has a very limited population?" Luna asked. Lobo had to admit, the girl had guts. Not only had she returned his intimidation look during the welcoming feast with a curious one, but she was the first student who actually made it up to him to talk. Sure, others had tired, but had either chickened out, or thought better of it.

"Nah, you wouldn't find out anything about the Czarnian's unless you talk to me, or some of the weird historian dudes like Alan Grant. To put it in simple terms, I'm an alien."

This did get a reaction out from Luna, as her cheerful demeanour changed to a shocked one.

"An alien!?" She exclaimed.

"Yup." Lobo nodded. "Traveling through the stars, kicking ass, drinking heavily, having a highly underrated comic run that really should be given a second chance that doesn't make me some emo-Edward Cullen lookin' bastich…" He muttered the last part, mostly to himself.

"So, I know the planets surrounding out own." Luna stated, clearly deep in thought. "But I take it the Zarnia is far away from earth?"

"Well, yes, but actually no." Lobo answered. "Czarnia, there's a 'C' on it kid, was probably a few hundred million lightyears away, buuttt… It kinda, sorta… got compactly destroyed."

"I'm so sorry!" Luna exclaimed, seeming hurt. "I…I didn't mean to… What… what happened?"

"… _In fact, no one on Czarnia will EVER bore anybody again!" _A voice ran through Lobo's head.

The flying scorpions, the screams and wails of agony, the 'A' he gave himself on his science fair project…

"I dunno." Lobo lied with a shrug. "I was off-planet when it happened."

"So, what brings you here?" Luna asked curiously.

"Like the old man said, I'm here for security." Lobo answered with a half-truth. "After all the things I've seen and fought, making sure nothing tries to attack here should be pretty easy."

Lobo rested his hand against a statue holding an axe.

"You're not afraid of Basilisks'? Or of giants? Or Lycanthropes?"

"Heh, I could take em' all on with only one arm."

_**SHULK**_

In a rather ironic twist, the statue seemed to shake under the main man's strength, and the axe held by the statue came loose, falling down and cleaving Lobo's arm off. At the same time, the golden trio had tracked him down so Hermione could answer some questions, only to see his arm get sliced off.

"Huh. That's irony for ya." Lobo remarked, looking at his bleeding shoulder.

"I..I..I'll get help!" Luna exclaimed, horrified by what she had just seen.

"Don't bother, it'll grow back."

"What!?"

To everyone's (the other students further down the hall included) shock, there was a weird squelching sound. Then, a skeletal arm burst out from Lobo's shoulder, then in a matter of moments, tendons, muscle and flesh grew from his shoulder over his bones. He looked to Luna, and rolled his arm, cracking it.

"Agh… that always feels weird…" He muttered.

Luna was looking from the arm, to Lobo, to the arm on the ground, to Lobo, to the arm…

"How…" She finally managed to get out.

"Killing a Czarnian is nearly impossible." Lobo stated plainly, a bit louder now so all could hear. "Cut a limb off, it just grows back, dark magic doesn't even hurt me, and frankly, I'm too badass to die."

He looked down at his severed arm and then took a blowtorch off of his belt. "Stand back kid." He remarked as he bent down and incinerated his arm, reducing it to nothing but ashes, which blew away in the wind.

"Why did you do that?" Hermione asked, having made her way next to Luna, and was still trying to process what she had just witnessed.

"For a while, any drop of my blood would create another one of me." Lobo answered. "You have _NO IDEA _how annoying dealing with that crap was…"

Deciding 'screw what they say', Lobo lit up a cigar with his blowtorch and took a drag.

"That answer yer questions?" He asked looking to Luna.

"Oh, yes! Thank you!" She said with a smile, before turning to Hermione. "I can tell you what he told me."

To Hermione, she was actually much more comfortable with talking to Luna, especially after seeing Lobo lose his arm, and then it growing back. She simply nodded and the two walked off. Lobo figured he was done here and kept walking.

"Mr. Lobo." He heard a voice, muttering in annoyance he turned around and saw Dumbledore had appeared.

"Yeah?"

"Did you receive the message I sent? I wasn't sure if you had ever had an owl deliver the message to you."

In Lobo's head, a record scratched.

"_Oh… That… Oh…" _He blinked.

"Yeah, I got it." He nodded.

"Then you'll have no issues with meeting with some of the Ministry officials?"

"Sure, why not?" Lobo shrugged. "The message was kinda short, you know what they want to talk about?"

"Mainly they want to ensure you aren't going to kill Harry Potter or any of the students, and a few were wondering if you had any advice on how to track a criminal."

Lobo's eyes widened then narrowed as he grinned.

"Track a bastich? Chief, I've been doing that across the galaxy my whole life!"

**Next Chapter: Lobo in the Ministry. **

**This should be fun, bring snacks! **

**Also, yes. The stories of the books are going to be followed, until they aren't. I have plans for this story, and it is gonna get rather… interesting. **

**Regardless, thanks for all the support, keep your lights shining bright, and I'll see you all around!**


	4. Lobo and Government Don't Mix

"I still say you could've worn something more appropriate."

"An' I'm tellin' ya that the Main Man doesn't do 'classy'."

"Fair enough, but don't be surprised when everyone is giving you odd looks."

"Hey, I'm a seven-foot-tall, chalk-skinned bounty hunter. I'm pretty sure my jacket is the least weird thing I have goin' for me."

Albus Dumbledore led Lobo through the large, extravagant hall of the Ministry of Magic. It was a surprisingly slow day so far, as very few workers had been seen walking or appirating through the halls. If he was honest, Dumbledore was relieved by this, as he hadn't told anyone in the ministry about _who _Lobo was, but rather mentioned he was a man with unique skills who would aid in capturing Sirius Black.

"Whatever… so, no one's able to give me a straight answer on this. Who the hell is this Black dude? Every time I ask, everyone either freezes in fear of his name, or sometimes because of me."

"Sirius Black is a wizard, believed to be responsible for the deaths of several magic users, including being the key component if what would eventually result in Harry's parents' deaths." Dumbledore answered, his tone growing much more serious and darker. "He… he was once a student at Hogwarts, but for reason unknown to me, he chose a darker path."

"Haven't heard _that _a million fraggin' times…" Lobo muttered. "So why does he want the kid dead? Ya think after axin' his folks, that'd be enough. The guy doesn't seem to have the spirit of a serial killer, but I could buy he killed some folk."

There was something rather upsetting and rather disrespectful about the way Lobo talked concerning Harry's parents, but in all fairness, he didn't know the whole story as of yet. Perhaps for the time being, it would be better to keep it that way. Finally, the pair arrived at the office of the current Minister of Magic. For half a moment, Albus considered telling Lobo some advice for etiquette when talking with them, but knew Lobo would most likely ignore it. Knocking on the door, there was silence, then:

"Come in."

The two entered a sizable office. A woman dressed in all black, a woman dressed in black with platinum blonde hair, and a man wearing dark green robes looked up from the papers they were currently studying.

"Ah, Albus. It's so good to see… you…"

"Hey." Lobo nodded, taking in the shock and (presumably) horror on their faces.

"Cornelius Fudge? Amelia Bones? Lucius Malfoy? This is Mr. Lobo, the man I was telling you about."

"_Okay. Seriously. WHO THE HELL NAMED THESE PEOPLE!?" _Lobo mentally screamed in laughter and disbelief. At this point, he had just accepted it.

"Albus, that… that is no man…" Lady Bones slowly managed to recover her voice, but still struggling to recover her composure.

"And you're not much to look at either. The hell's your point?" Lobo snarked, ignoring the disgusted and angered look she gave him.

"I'm sorry, who are you?" The blonde woman asked. Although Lobo now assumed it was a dude after hearing his voice.

"Albus, this… man, is the one you spoke of?" Fudge slowly asked, he was taken aback by Lobo's presence, having heard (what he had assumed were) wild stories about the ferocious murderer Lobo. When Albus had mentioned he knew a man named 'Lobo' who could help with the investigation, he had assumed it was a wizard from the southern regions of America.

"Yes." Albus simply answered. Seeming to pick up on Fudge's fear, but uncertain as to why.

"Hey, is there a reason you dragged me down here?" Lobo flatly asked, clearly unimpressed with everything he had seen so far. He also didn't get why there were fireplaces everywhere…

"Fudge, I brought Lobo here to introduce him to the ministry, as I've hired him to act as security around Hogwarts for a few years." Albus stated, his upbeat demeanour not faltering.

"YOU WHAT!?" Fudge shouted. "Dumbledore, do you have any idea what kind of threat you may have brought into Hogwarts!?"

"Can't be much worse than the giant freakin' snake." Lobo remarked off-handedly. "If I was hear a year earlier, the school would've been eating snake sushi for weeks in no time."

"How do you know about that?" Albus asked, taken aback by Lobo's remark.

"Basilisk's have a real strong stench to em'. Even when I was on the train I picked up on it." Lobo answered. "They're got this weird smell, like a mix of urine and mint, with a bit of warm beer…"

Lady Bones looked to Albus, as if asking for some sort of explanation. Albus, however, seemed just as shocked as she was. And if you were able to surprise or shock Albus Dumbledore, either you did something so utterly revolting that no one with a shred of decency wouldn't be offended, or this was something beyond the magical world.

"Albus, he's a bounty hunter." Fudge stated matter-of-factly. "His loyalties don't lie with the ministry, or the wizarding world, they lie with whoever pays him the most!"

"And you're allowing him to wander the halls of a school where children, including _my son_, live?!" The blonde-haired man shouted.

"Well, he's not wrong." Lobo admitted with a slight shrug, taking his flask out and taking a swig, feeling like if he was gonna be here for a bit, he needed booze.

"If you bring him into Hogwarts, and someone pays him to do so, he'll massacre the students without warning or care."

"Fudge, Lucius, I understand your apprehension. But Mr. Lobo may be the best chance to keep Hogwarts safe, and to find Sirius Black before he kills again."

"Dumbledore, I understand you have a great deal of respect for the Potter boy, but trying to find a killer with another killer is a _terrible_ strategy."

"Hey, I'mma cut in for a sec, 'kay?" Lobo cut in, not caring if anyone had an objection to him doing so. "When the Main Man takes a job, my word is my bond. I don't care how much some crazed bastich who wants the kid dead offers, I. Keep. My. Word."

"Well, it's good to know that." Fudge frowned. "But that doesn't change the fact that you've been recorded to have a brutal and violent history of twisted acts that you were 'contracted' to perform."

"Alright, let's go over this." Lobo sighed, rolling his eyes. "So, someone wants to kill someone in this backwards-ass world. You have to take a stick out, scream made-up words, and then hope that the flying death bolt actually hits them. If someone tries that to the kid, I can have the Bastich on the ground with both arms shattered in less than two seconds. Add to that, your magic can't hurt me. So, yeah, I've done some dark crap in my past, but like you said; it was just for money."

Fudge didn't fully understand where Lobo was going with this, so he continued.

"Like it or not, I could take on this entire fraggin' ministry with my bare hands and **win**. Now, whether you like the fact that I'm gonna be hanging around a school or not doesn't mean s**t to me." He stated, losing the joking personality and growing very serious. "It's clear you've heard stories about me, and to you, they seem like crack-addicts tripping on magical unicorn bath salts or whatever illegal stuff you use to get high. But I can tell ya right here, right now. That every single one of those stories is true."

"They claim you can't die, that you've been… banned from the afterlife…" Fudge said ina shaky tone, trying to maintain his confidence, but failing. He had heard stories about this creature named 'Lobo' about his blood-thirsty rampages across planets, about how he once possessed the most dangerous and twisted magical item the wizarding world had ever known, how he would have keggers that lasted for weeks at a time, but most horrific and unsettling, was the story was that Lobo couldn't die. Lucius hadn't heard the stories, but he was pissed off that some albino thug just waltzed in here and acted like he owned the place.

"And somehow this makes you much more qualified to act as an over-hyped security guard?" Lucius asked, his tone cold and bitter. Lobo however, just turned and walked towards him, Lucius seeing the full height of Lobo now, and also felt the aura of death surrounding him.

"Yeah, cause if it was you and me standin' guard, everyone'd just attack your pansy-ass. You seem like the kinda guy who gets hit once and cries like a bitch for the next seven hours." Lobo replied. "Seriously, you've gotta be one of those mudblood bastiches everyone's so afraid of bein', so how'd you get this job? Your wife sleep with whoever your boss is?"

"FLIPENDO!" Lucius shouted in rage, firing a blast of magic at Lobo. The spell struck him dead in the chest, and seemed to simply defuse and dissipate. Lucius, Lady Bones and Fudge all took a step back, recoiling in terror as Lobo grinned wickedly.

"Fistio!" He laughed, before clocking Lucius square in the jaw, sending the wizard flying into a wall. Lucius hit the wall hard, leaving an indent on it as he fell to the ground.

"Now, to answer your question about my soul." Lobo said in a low tone. He sighed in annoyance, knowing this would be the fastest way to deal with this. He took his machete and slit his throat, then with a sickening rip, pulled his head off. Dropping the head on Fudge's desk, the head remained silent, then spoke.

"Does this answer your question?"

"HOW IN THE NAME OF MERLIN IS THAT POSSIBLE?!" Fudge screamed, losing all sense of calm and collectiveness.

"Well, I've been banned from heaven and hell. God and Satan want nothing to do with me." The head answered as the body moved, making gestures like one would in a conversation. After a few moments, Lobo put his head back on and it healed.

"Before you ask, Czarinan's have a natural healin' ability." Lobo answered. "So, this Black dude. If you have somethin' of his, I can find him."

"Right, Lady Bones." Fudge spoke, regaining his composure. "If you could… if you could show Lobo the files, he… he…" Fudge trailed off. Amelia nodded slowly and led Lobo out of the office, passing by the groaning Malfoy.

"Later pansy." Lobo chuckled.

Out in the hall, Lobo had lit up a cigar, much to Lady Bones' chagrin.

"Could you please not?" She muttered.

"Seriously, why are all of you guys so freaking stiff?" Lobo grumbled. "You all act like your stuck in the 1600's. Why don't you move forward?"

"I…" Lady Bones began, but stopped. "I don't know. But I fear I have to agree with you on that. Some days it feels like we are stuck in the past. But that doesn't change the fact that you clearly don't seem to have respect for the way things work here."

"Cause' I don't." Lobo remarked calmly. "I'm here to do a job, the contract says that whatever I do is my business. I ain't one of yer ministry monkeys, and to be honest, I don't care about any of this crap. My job is to protect the Potter kid, and that's all."

"And how far are you willing to go to do that? Is the amount your being paid enough to do what's needed?" Lady Bones asked, she didn't know why, but she had the faintest of smirks on her face.

"Honestly? They could've paid me a quarter of what they are, and I still would'a gone t'hell and back to keep the kid alive." Lobo remarked with a grin. Lady Bones thought this over, maybe Albus had a point to hiring this crazy bounty hunter.

"All right, Sirius Black was arrest years ago, and he was the first and only prisoner to ever escape form Azkaban." Lady Bones spike, getting down to business as she levitated a folder over to a nearby table. Lobo looked at the moving wanted poster.

"Crazy lookin' bastich…" He muttered. "How'd he bounce?"

"We don't know…" Lady Bones frowned. "We also don't know where he could've gone."

"Ya got any clothes? Anything he had on him?" Lobo asked. Amelia Bones nodded, walking off and returning with a torn-up prisoner's outfit. She was somewhat disgusted when she saw Lobo take it and violently inhale off of it.

Now that, they were gone, Fudge turned to Albus with the utmost urgency.

"Albus, what do you know about him? About his race?"

"I know the Czarinan's have an unnatural healing factor, and that Lobo is the last of his kind-"

"He's the last of his kind because he _KILLED THE REST!" _Fudge hissed, cutting him off in anger. Albus blinked, taken aback by that information.

"I'm sorry, but who gave you that information?" Albus frowned, not believing the minister immediately. He knew Fudge could be somewhat… eccentric, and perhaps he had simply misheard some information. Fudge didn't answer right away, and Dumbledore sighed. "Cornelius, if you're getting your information from that Skeeter woman, I've told you that-"

"From a Mr. Constantine." Fudge cut in with a sigh. Albus stopped and frowned deeply. He had met John Constantine a few times before, and that man knew a lot more about certain fantastic beasts than anyone else. If He had told Fudge that… Oh no. Had he hired a genocidal maniac to guard the boy-who-lived?!

"Fetal's Giz…" Lobo muttered, his eyes narrowing in anger. He threw the clothes to the wayside and took off running. Lady Bones blinked in shock then quickly followed. Lobo clearly had… something, running through the hall, Lobo's anger seemed to be rising as he kicked open another door and stormed through it.

"Uh, sir? You can't be here…" One of the workers muttered, but wisely backed off when she saw who she was talking to.

"Mr. Lobo! What is it?!" Lady Bones shouted as she followed him down a long row of files, finally, he reached one and yanked the drawer out.

"Son of a BITCH!" He cursed. Amelia seemed confused until she saw the tag on the drawer, it was a single word.

'Potter'

"He was here!" Lobo growled. "He was here either today or a day ago!"

"But then where did he go?" Lady Bones asked, bewildered. If Lobo hadn't checked this, then no one would've seen the missing files for… well, who knows how long! Lobo wasn't finished though, as he ran to the doors opening to the balcony that overlooked the town. He looked around, before snapping to attention and realizing something.

"He's at Hogwarts!" Lobo shouted in anger.


	5. This May Not Be A Healthy Relationship

When Lobo arrived on Hogwarts grounds, there was a lot of fear and anger. The fear was due to one of those living paintings (which Lobo had assumed had been his drunk mind screwing with him, but no, they were real) had been slashed apart, said painting was just outside of the commons room for the Gryphon house that Harry was in. The teachers genuinely didn't know where he could've come from or where he went, which wasn't helping anything. Some of the students were now fearing that they were in danger, and others didn't believe he was even here. However, a few of the staff (Minerva, Snape and Hagrid) knew that this would either be the make or break time for Lobo. He could either prove himself, or he could make things worse. That explained the fear, the anger was coming from the fact that not only had Lobo nearly caused a first year to fall off her broom in terror as he shot by in the Spacehog and the fact that he accidentally torched some of the garden work as he came skidding to a stop and jumped off his bike. He didn't head towards the school, but towards the forbidden forest. A few of the staff wanted to ask what he was doing, but there was an air of 'For-your-own-safety-piss-off-and-let-me-do-my-job' in what he was doing, so everyone wisely left him to do his work.

Sliding down a hill, Lobo looked around the forest, and remarked that it was certainly that. A forest. He didn't understand why everyone seemed so freaked out by it, if anything, it was kinda relaxing. But the atmosphere didn't matter right now, as Lobo was smashing his way through trees and undergrowth as the scent seemed to be getting stronger and stronger. To anyone who had heard rumors about what a Czarnian was, or more importantly, who Lobo was, this all might seem really weird. Why would a bounty hunter like Lobo be so invested in keeping this kid alive? Wouldn't it be easier to wait until Black came to try and kill Harry, and then pull his spine out through his ass?

Yeah, it would be.

But Lobo was a bounty hunter of standards, not morals mind you, but standards. Standards which he upheld as a sign of respect to his employers, and while he still didn't know why, Dumbledore really, _REALLY _wanted to keep Harry safe. So, Lobo intended to do that, one way or another. He didn't know the kid that well, but a job was a job. Also, if Black somehow got to Harry and managed to kill him, that would make him look really incompetent and ineffective as a bounty hunter. Coming to a stop, Lobo looked around in confusion. The stench was originating from here, as it was more powerful than the smells of nature around him…

But no one was there.

"A'right, magic… so, invisibility… or size-changing…" Lobo muttered, looking around with a hand over his shotgun. Finally, he seemed to pinpoint something of interest. Namely that the stench was coming from a nearby hill. Slowly walking over, Lobo paused, listening intently, and then drove his fist through the side of the small hill. He grabbed something and ripped it out, a storm of roots and dirt scattering about. For a moment, the Main Man believed he had him… "What!?"

Only there was nothing. He was holding what looked like an old photo. Growling in annoyance, he walked to the other side of the hill, seeing a small hole, as if it was an animal burrow. This was just raising more questions that the Main Man didn't have answers too… There wasn't hair, there wasn't blood, there wasn't scraps of fabric, there weren't even tracks leading away… Okay, he had to give him credit, Black seemed to be surprisingly competent, unlike many of the marks Lobo went after in the past.

Lobo growled something under his breath and remembered he was holding a picture, the tracker side of him knew this was where the stench was coming from, and maybe it could answer some questions. Unfolding it, Lobo's brow raised in confusion, then realization, then shock, then anger.

"Fraggin' Bastich…" He growled, turning and preparing to head back to Hogwarts and try and get some answers. However, he saw something- no, dozens of somethings descending towards him. He was confused, but then realized they were spiders.

"Who… are… you…?" A deep voice rumbled. Lobo turned around slowly and came face-to-face with a big-ass hairy spider, that was taller and larger than any spider Lobo had seen. To most, they'd freeze or piss themselves at the sight of a giant spider, but to Lobo, he saw it as a potential threat he could frag.

"Right back at ya." Lobo replied evenly.

"…my name, is Aragog." Aragog spoke in his deep rumbling growl. "You, are not human… you are not mystical…"

"I'm the Last Son of Czarnia." Lobo replied evenly, not caring about the spiders surrounding him. "Th'name's Lobo. Now, I'm only gonna say this once. I ain't got a reason to frag ya, s'don't give me one."

"My children hunger for fresh meat." Aragog replied, genuinely confused by multiple things, especially Lobo's lack of reaction or fear. "…but you are contaminated, toxic…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Liquor and cigars do that to ya." Lobo said with a wave of a hand. To pretty much anyone or anything else, the threat of being consumed by an armada of giant spiders would probably be enough to send them running for the hills. Lobo however, well, he figured if they attacked it wasn't going to be a fair fight. There was no way the spiders could win that one… "Look, I'm after a bastich named Sirius Black. He was here earlier, ya seen him?"

"No human has been through here, aside from Rebus Hagrid, we would've… sensed it…" The giant spider replied, his rumbling hiss and clicking mandibles echoing throughout the trees. That simply made Lobo question even more what kinda bastich he was after… "Leave… if you value your life…"

Lobo took his cigar out and tossed it away, one of the tiny spiders hissing in pain as it was burned by the extinguished cigar. He walked away, flipping everyone present off.

Back in Hogwarts, Hermione and Luna were seated at a table, the Gryffindor girl was writing all matter of notes and facts in a blank parchment book, having Luna explain to her what Lobo told her.

"I'm surprised Granger." Luna said with a tilted head. "Why does the idea of an alien seem so weird to you? We live in a word with unicorns and werewolves."

"It's… it's not the idea that he's an alien." Hermione blinked, shaking her head. "It's the idea that one would just show up so suddenly. I've heard about aliens, but I always had trouble fully understanding them. There was that group of heroes in the Muggle world… The Avengers, or something… and apparently more than one of them is an alien."

"So… why'd you spend so long in the library looking for some sort of answer to a non-magical creature?" Ron asked, somewhat sarcastically.

"In Spanish, 'Lobo' translates to 'Wolf', I was wondering if he was some sort of albino lycanthrope, but there was nothing that could explain what kind of Lycan he was."

"…alright."

"Well, like I said, he claimed he's the last Czarnian in existence, and happened to be off-world when the genocide happened." Luna remarked. That made Hermione pause and bit her lip slightly, an uneasy feeling briefly washing over her.

"Luna, he didn't say _how _they died, did he?" She asked. While Luna had told her everything from her encounter with the new security guard yesterday, Granger had been so focused on writing everything down, that a few things had slipped past. However, the blonde Ravenclaw blinked, then shook her head.

"No, but I didn't really expect him to though." She shrugged. "The fact that he was willing to tell me that at all counts for something though."

That wasn't a satisfactory answer for the Gryffindor Brainiac. Something about Lobo seemed off to her still… Well, a lot did actually, but from his brief interactions and passé display of brutality against the dementor, she felt like maybe there was more to the story than Lobo was letting on… She hoped Harry was doing better than she currently was…

Harry Potter sighed, he had just gotten out of a meeting with Minerva, and the fear and tension were clearly starting to take a strangle hold on the school's staff. He didn't know what he was supposed to do right now, just keep going to classes and act like everything was alright!? He wasn't exactly _afraid _of Sirius Black, but he also knew he was a threat, and would kill him without hesitation if he got the chance. Right now, he needed to stop thinking about that, he needed a distraction…

"Potter!"

Harry tensed, believing either Snape or Draco was here to antagonize him, but when he turned around, he was surprised to see his sort-of body guard approaching.

"You okay kid?" Lobo asked.

"Ye..yeah…" Harry sighed, he had no idea if Lobo had somehow been in the meeting, or really what the chalk0skinned giant was up to. "I guess, all things considered."

"Come with me." Lobo ordered, walking past him. Harry blinked in surprise, but sighed and followed nonetheless. The Czarnian led the boy-who-lived back to the room he called his own and closed the door behind them as they entered. Lobo paused, taking a seat and pulled something from his jacket. "Do you know anyone in this picture?"

Harry was bewildered by the question and sudden random picture Lobo had, but when he took it, he said what Lobo had surmised by this point about who was in the picture.

"Th..those are my… parents." Harry stammered, shaking slightly.

"Yer parents…" Lobo began.

"…and Sirius Black." Harry finished. There was a very tense silence as Harry felt his body essentially freeze, unable to figure out what to do or where to go from here. His parents… knew… Sirius Black. How… but… No… How was this possible?! A million terrified thoughts and questions shot through his mind until Lobo spoke up again, getting his attention.

"Kid, why the hell does everyone think your some sort of God in human form? Nothing about the freaks who want you dead makes sense, what did you do to piss everyone off?! I mean, I get why people hate me. I've stomped skulls and fragged countless asshats across the galaxy at this point, but yer just a kid."

Harry was now surprised by the Czarinan's statement, he believed Albus would've told Lobo about this… But he hadn't? Weird. Harry didn't know why, but there was something about Lobo he trusted. Or maybe it was something to do with him seeming like the kind of guy who could break someone's spine on their knee without even trying.

"There's this dark wizard, named Voldemort." Harry began. While Lobo wanted to laugh at yet _another _dumb name, he knew now wasn't the best time, especially because Harry seemed genuinely frightened at this point. "He… he was essentially death incarnate, he killed thousands without hesitation, and was supposedly some sort of all-powerful wizard. Apparently, there was some sort of prophecy saying I'd manage to defeat him, I don't know how, but as a baby, he tried to kill me. And somehow his plan or attack killed him." Harry finished pushing some of his hair back and revealing a scar on his forehead.

"…man everyone here is crazier than the bastich who thought Rob Lifeld could draw me decently." Lobo muttered.

"He… he also killed my parents." Harry admitted, it was clear this was painful to him, even though it had happened years and years ago. Lobo… couldn't say he got it. He was much, much more like this 'Vold-guy' everyone seemed to fear than he was like Harry, but whatever. "Sirius apparently was one of the guys who followed him."

The two sat in silence, Lobo took a drink from his beer he hadn't finished, looking at the kid. He was a tough bastich, that much was clear. But this was also clearly taking a toll on him, and there was something else, something outside of all this…

"Listen, kid." Lobo began. "I know you have no reason to trust me, and I know you barely know who I am. But I'm here to keep you alive, and if this Sirius bastard tires to get to you, he's gonna have a bad time."

Harry looked up, his eyes showing genuine surprise, as if he wasn't used to people being nice to him.

"But since I'm gonna be here for a few years, there's some stuff you should know. One, I can't die. Two, I've kicked Superman's ass. Not the other way around-"

"Wait, you fought Superman?!" Harry asked, genuine shock in his voice.

"Yeah, I stomped him into the ground." Lobo smirked. "And that's what actually happened. Don't believe what others try to tell you."

"Okay, but… you can't die?" Harry asked, confusion clear in his whole body.

"Yeah, just between you and me, I've been banned from the afterlife. It's a long story."

"Alright, so… am I supposed to just keep going day to day? Or do you need me to do something in particular?" Harry asked.

"Nah, just don't die."

There was something with the casual bluntness that Lobo spoke with that completely caught Harry off-guard, and he laughed genuinely and in surprise.

"I'm serious. If you die, I look like the asshole." Lobo stated. "If you think anyone is posing even the slightest bit of a threat, let me know, and I'll kill them."

Harry was left in shocked silence, he knew Lobo wouldn't hesitate to beat someone into the ground, but kill them!? Was he being sarcastic? Or did 'Kill' mean something different to Czarnains?

"I'm serious kid. You don't get a rep like mine without a few people gettin' killed." Lobo stated flatly. "I know that might be a lot to take in, but it is what it is. Technically speaking, I'm yer guardian. Kinda."

"…my…guardian…" Harry muttered. "Do you think you could do me a favor?"

"I'm fulfilling some sort of parental role. Don't bother asking."

"What? No." Harry muttered. "There's a trip tomorrow to a nearby town, Hogsmeade. You need a guardian to sign a permission slip in order to go, I didn't have time to get my… to get it signed."

"Sure." Lobo shrugged. "It'll probably piss some of the staff off, and I have no issue with that."

So, after that was signed, the issue of questioning Lobo's 'guardianship' arose, while most of the staff agreed it worked well enough (mostly because they didn't want to see what would happen if Lobo got pissed off) Minerva was the only one who objected to it, due to the legal parameters. So, she and Lobo had agreed to 'discuss' this matter. About an hour later, Lobo quietly left her office, closing the door gently behind him, and wordlessly walking off. He found harry and handed him the paper.

"Okay, your good to go." He said, but when Harry tried to take it, he held onto it. "Kid. Do not _EVER _make me argue with that woman again. I've been across the universe and seen things that would break a human's mind, but she… just… Just don't ask me to fight her. Okay?"

"Sure." Harry laughed, taking the signed paper.

"And we speak of that to no one." Lobo added gravely.

"Sure, thanks!" Harry replied with a huge grin. Lobo watched him leave, then turned to go find Albus. He had questions that needed answered _RIGHT NOW. _Eventually, he found the Headmaster and the potion guy talking in a common area. As he approached, Albus seemed ot notice him.

"Ah, Mr. Lobo, did you find anyth-"

"Why is Sirius in a picture with the kid's parents?" Lobo cut him off. The two seemed uneasy and concerned about something. "I ain't gonna ask twice."

"Excuse me?" Albus finally got out.

"See my last statement." Lobo growled. "The Bastich was near here, his scent was all over the forest, and all I found was an old picture of the kid's parents, a bunch of other people, and that Black bastich. Now, if you know something you're not telling me, I sugges-"

"And what gives you the authority to make demands to the headmaster?" Snape snapped, cutting Lobo off. Slowly, the Czarnian turned and gave him a flat look.

"Simple, _**I can kill all of you.**_" Lobo growled his blood-red eyes narrowing. IT got the reaction he wanted as Snape unconsciously took a step back. "Also, _you _hired _me _to do a job." He added, looking back to Albus. "And if you want me to do the job you're paying me for, information like this may be useful. I don't care if you wanna keep secrets about what you do behind closed doors, or what fandoms you're in or any of that crap. I don't even care what you think of me. But if the kid's parents were killed by this Vold-asshat, and Black is one of his magical gimps, then this just got a lot more pressing."

"What exactly do you mean by that?" Albus slowly asked. After being told Lobo had somehow picked up on Sirius' scent, and had taken off towards Hogwarts, he knew that even if he didn't see it, Lobo to some degree cared. Even if it just was for the money.

"When someone has a vendetta against a family, they're really twisted." The Bounty Hunter explained, his tone still very serious. "If Sirius was after the kid because his dark sugar daddy said so, then there'd be a little bit of room to wait, but if the guy knew his parents, then he's not just some asshole in dark robes, he won't stop coming until the kid is _dead_. He won't give up, and he sure as hell isn't gonna change his mind on this! So, I wanna know, _WHY IS THAT!?" _

"…Sirius Black, was a friend of Harry Potter's parents." Dumbledore admitted, seemed a mixture of angered and saddened by something. "He was the one who betrayed them on the night the dark lord attacked, leading to their deaths. He is also Harry's Godfather."

There was a silence that felt heavy, almost like everyone's muscles began to sag and drag them down to the ground.

"Damn. That makes things a whole lot more personal then, doesn't it?" Lobo asked taking a drag off his cigar.

**A.N. Next time, Quidditch, Questions, Hippogriff, Beer, Blood, Boobs (not really), Black and a very, VERY pissed off Czarnian. There are a number of characters who are gonna learn the hard way that you don't mess with the Main Man. **


	6. Beer Cans and Broomsticks

"So… explain again. What the hell is Quidwitch?"

"It's called 'Quidditch'. And it's a broomstick sport."

"Again. Explain."

Harry laughed slightly as he got his equipment together in the common area before he headed to the locker rooms. Setting his uniform down, he caught his helmet which Ron tossed his way and looked back to Lobo, who was looking on in genuine confusion.

"Look… i… I don't know _how _to explain it without just telling you the rules." The boy-who-lived grinned. "Let me try. Matches are played on a large oval pitch with three ring-shaped goals of different heights on each side, between two opposing teams of seven players each: three Chasers, two Beaters, the Keeper, and the Seeker."

"Alright." Lobo nodded, thinking about some of the sports he had seen in his travels, as well as the Super Bowl Matches he watched in the bar with those guys that the Flash fought.

"There are three different balls: the Quaffle, the two Bludgers, and the Golden Snitch." Harry continued. "The Chasers and the Keeper respectively score with and defend the goals against the Quaffle; the two Beaters bat the Bludgers away from their teammates and towards their opponents; and the Seeker locates and catches the Golden Snitch, whose capture simultaneously wins the Seeker's team 150 points and ends the game. The team with the most points at the end wins."

"Kid. Are you drunk?" Lobo asked bluntly after a few moments of silence. "Because half those words sound like someone made them in a drugged up and drunken stupor."

"So, do the things you say." Ron shrugged.

"Yeah? Like what?" Lobo asked, with a raised brow.

"Bastitch? What does that mean?"

"It's 'Bastich', first of all. And it's made up of two other words. Think about it, and if you don't get it, you're too young t'get it." Lobo answered, looking back to Harry. "And you guys play this sport on your flying sticks?"

"Pretty much, yeah." Harry nodded. "There's a real feeling of adrenaline that you can't get anywhere else."

"So… If I was to grab the SpaceHog…" Lobo began, deep in joking thought.

"I'm pretty sure the Headmaster wouldn't be too happy with that." Harry smirked. "Professor McGonagall already hates that thing, you nearly broke Tabitha's leg with it."

"Hey. That wasn't my fault!" Lobo defended himself matter-of-factly. "I was flyin' around figurin' out where everything was and making sure no one was trying to pull a sneaky on us and slip into the place t'kill someone, and she flew into _my path._ That's on her!"

"You flew over the training grounds, apparently McGonagall tried to deter you several times." Hermione stated flatly, clearly not wanting to take Lobo's crap.

"…she still should've been able to avoid me. Or at least been able to hold on enough that she didn't fall off the broom."

"She's a first year! It was her first time flying!" Ron added.

"And is she your girlfriend or somethin'?! Why are you defending her?!" Lobo asked, bewildered. To be fair, accountability was something kind of… foreign, to the last Czarnian. But while he wouldn't admit to it, he had kinda panicked after that happened. The _last _thing he wanted was to be stuck in a room with that witch again…

"No, that would be 'Mion-" Harry began, but was punched by Ron.

"And furthermore, I caught her. She wasn't hurt, so what's the Prof's problem!?" Lobo continued, seemingly not having heard the last remark from Harry.

"The fact that it still happened?" Ron remarked dryly. Lobo went quiet, then blinked and shrugged.

"Yeah. That might make sense." He nodded, then looked back to Harry, adding: "So, if I go, who do I throw empty beer cans at?"

"Slytherin." Ron and Harry said at the same time.

"No one!" Hermione huffed, annoyed Harry and Ron would egg Lobo on.

"So, her and Slytherin. Got it." Lobo smirked. "You think you're gonna need me to cover you? Or…"

"Nah, this is just a game Lobo, it'll be fine." Harry said confidently, slinging his equipment over his shoulder and heading towards the locker room. Lobo shrugged, cracking his neck as he decided to head back to his place and grab a beer or two. As he walked, Lobo began thinking about how things were shaping up as of late. Over the past two days, Lobo had gotten much more agitated to put it mildly. Once he found out that Sirius was the kid's Godfather, things seemed to get much, much more serious.

"_Damn it. That's just a bad joke…" _Lobo thought.

No, what was really getting to him was the stenches he was picking up on as of late. There were two in particular, one was Sirius Black's, and the other… Lobo didn't know. But he could easily explain it;

Hobo.

Okay, that might be a somewhat offensive way to put it, but Lobo didn't care. The smell was like some sort of rotten meat, mixed with old laundry. Sure, this wasn't anything too new to him, but what was getting to him was the issue that he couldn't find _where _it was coming from. Sometimes is was near the Ginger kid (and Lobo assumed this may just because the guy seemed kinda poor, so maybe- whatever) but then during some nights when he was doing rounds, he picked up on it in varying levels of frequency. Even weirder, it was all over the place, some halls, some rooms… it really seemed to have no rhyme or reason. If it was pretty much any other job, he'd ignore it and keep going, but considering the magical nature of this job, that stench could've been Black. So, for now, he decided the best course of action was to keep drinking, keep smoking, and keep a close eye on Harry. Yeah, the kid was a teen and didn't need a babysitter twenty-four-seven, but when a magical quack-o wants ya dead, a little caution goes a long way.

Beer in hand, Lobo looked around, trying to think strategically. He didn't see any sort of hidden hatch or potential catwalk among the ceiling and pillars, so it wouldn't be as easy for some bastich to sneak around up there… that probably meant they'd be coming from the ground. He noted the students all wearing hoodies or sweaters in their house colours as they headed presumably to the field.

"Hey! Lo!" A voice shouted. Lobo blinked and turned, seeing one of the two taller ginger boys approaching. "You gonna go the th' game? It's the 'ome opener!"

"You are?" Lobo bluntly asked.

"I'm Fred, he's George." Fred introduced himself with a cocky grin. "We're Ron's older, and better looking, brothers."

"Ah." Lobo remarked, taking another sip of his beer.

"Hey, the bleachers are probably one of the few places you could bri'g beer with ya and not get in trouble for it." Fred remarked, trying to appeal to Lobo. Lobo blinked, then walked into his room, came back out, and threw two cold ones to the boys.

"Aw, sweet!" George exclaimed, this _not _having been why they were here, but who cared?

"So, you gonna watch?" Fred asked, looking to Lobo. The Bounty Hunter frowned somewhat, trying to think of a reason to not go and sleep in his room, but finally he seemed to realize he couldn't think of one. "It'd 'ean a lot to Harry. He hasn'got a whole lotta support in his life."

"_Wait. What?" _Lobo mentally blinked. _"Sure, the kid seems awkward, but isn't that just the God-Complex everyone seems to force on him? The dude has friends and really seems to love it here. Sure, his parents are gone… why the hell wouldn't this kid have support?" _

"Well… Yeah, fine. I'll be there." Lobo finally said, his tone clearly dull and begrudging. "Hopefully it's at least somewhat interesting…"

_Later… _

"YEAH!" Lobo roared energetically as two seekers roared past the bleachers, earning a thunderous cheer from the students.

"Hey, what'd I say? It's energetic!" Fred laughed.

"Oh, hell yeah this is energetic! This is th'kinda giz we should'a had out in the deep zones! Make this some demolition biker derby thing?! Holy crap that'd be fraggin' legendary! So… you two play as well?"

"Yeah, but we offered the newbies a shot." Fred smirked. "We've been playing for a few years though."

"Huh. Sounds interestin' like something someone shouldn't _forget and add later." _Lobo nodded, muttering the last part under his breath.

While the clouds above were somewhat gray, (and it was raining) it wasn't enough to deter the players from their game. There was an overbearing sense of dread due to Black's unknown whereabouts, but the game between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor seemed to get everyone's minds off of it. Currently Hufflepuff had a two-point lead, but Gryffindor seemed to get their act together and had devised a pretty good strategy. Right now, they were acting much more offensively than defensively, a tactic which confused Lobo, until he saw their end game. Leaving a single Beater and Chaser behind to guard their goal, the rest of them routinely made hit-and-run tactics, minus the hitting. Flying in quickly, they caused Hufflepuff to question whether or not they would crash into one another, and in turn, keep their minds split. This meant they were unable to focus completely on scoring or defending, which then some of their chasers would fly in and take advantage of. Lobo didn't know who had come up with this strategy, but it was a good one.

"I understand your apprehension Albus, but I don't see why you would allow the Dementors near the field." Minerva stated for the third or fourth time today. Her eye twitched as she briefly saw one shoot past a distance away from the stands. She didn't know why he brought them here in the first place, but that was an issue for another day. The way she saw it, if the Dementors weren't a danger to the students, Lobo most definitely was. "Or Lobo for that matter…" She added under her breath.

"It is merely a precaution." Albus re-stated his reply for the third or fourth time today. "They know not to harm any of the students, and it is nothing more than security."

"Like brining in a chalk-skinned monster who seems to get off on others' pain?"

Albus blinked and looked over to Lupin, surprised by his rather blunt remark. From what he could tell, Lupin and Lobo hadn't even _met _up until now.

"What makes you say that Professor?" He asked, curious as to why Lupin would think that.

"His demeanour is clear one of someone who is only restraining himself due to money." Lupin began, his eyes narrowed somewhat. "If he simply acted at night, there may not be as much of an issue, but he's done nothing but smoke and drink since he got here, has come no closer to finding Sirius than the dementors, and if I may speak rather bluntly Headmaster, do you _truly _trust him? Or are you simply hoping for the best concerning Mr. Potter's safety?"

Albus paused, taking time to genuinely think over his response, considering the many subtleties and nuances with this current plan of his.

"I may not trust him like I trust Minerva or Rebus, but I have no reason to believe he will betray us." Albus finally answered, speaking in a calm, kind tone. The kind of tine that drove some people crazy when talking about something serious. "Yes, his morals are swayed by money, but his inability to be affected by basic magic, and to be capable of repetitively severing his own head without dying is something no one in the entire wizarding world is capable of. At least to the extent that Lobo is capable of. It's true his personality is very… abrasive, but that appears to be a result of a life of travel and fighting. He's also been tracking Sirius in ways most of us wouldn't have the first idea on how to do. Again, even if it is just because of money, he's taking this seriously."

Lupin felt his mouth open, but now words came out. Lobo… cut… his…

"What!?"

Out on the field, the high-pitched whizzing of the Golden Snitch was overshadowed by the rush of air as Harry flew after it. Diving down towards the ground, he looked over his shoulder for the briefest of seconds, seeing Alexander, the Hufflepuff seeker, was keeping a very close distance to him. The Snitch seemed to have a mind of its own as usual, and suddenly decided going upwards was the best strategy. As the pair pulled up, the crowd cheered as they seemed to dance in the air, their brooms narrowly missing one another time and again. Both Seekers vying for the front position to ensure victory. To Harry's surprise, Alexander seemed to be swerving about, as if he was losing control, but then pulled ahead, Harry realizing he was using the tactics his own team had used on Hufflepuff. As the pair flew upwards into the clouds, the temperature was steadily dropping. That was odd, Harry knew that Scotland could be bitterly cold, but not this early in the year…

"It's been fun Harry! But Gryffindor ain't gonna win this year!" Alexander laughed as he reached out his fingers just beginning to wrap around the Snitch and-

_Zap!_

Out of nowhere, the Snitch seemed to electrocute Alexander. Or perhaps the storm electrified the Snitch, which in turn electrified him. Regardless, Alexander was hit with a high amount of voltage, briefly paralyzing him, and sending him careening down towards the ground. Harry looked back in bewildered confusion, had someone charmed the Snitch again? He swore if it was Dobby…

"Agh!" Harry exclaimed as a bolt of lightning carved a path across the sky. He re-gained control and shot off after the Snitch, not willing to give up due to some poor weather. As he flew he saw one of the clouds begin to take shape, a shadow creature being formed in the black clouds. "Is… is that a wolf?" He muttered.

Back down below, Lobo was chugging a beer when he saw a figure come falling out of the sky. He choked on his drink, then spat it out aggressively, accidentally spitting it directly into Hermione's hair. He thought the figure was Harry, but the cloaks were yellow, not red… Okay, cool. He didn't have to do anything about-

"Holy crap." He snarled when he saw something. Practically bounding across the bleachers, Lobo reached the top and jumped off of the back of the balcony, this bizarre turn of events not going unnoticed.

Back in the clouds, Harry felt the temperature steadily dropping, the rain was turning to hail, and the air was getting thinner… How was this happening!? His goggles were fogging as he looked forward at the Snitch, only to hear a cracking sound that made his body scream out that danger was afoot. Looking down, Harry saw his broom was… freezing…

With a monstrous screech Harry saw dementors flying through the clouds, beginning to attempt to entrap him. They flew in wide circles around him, occasionally passing nearby and swiping at him. Flying as high as he felt he could go, Harry stopped his broom. He let gravity take hold as he spun around and shot off towards the ground. The Snitch no longer mattered, all that mattered was getting out of here. The cloaked abominations continued their pursuit, flying in at all directions. Harry felt fear begin to paralyze him, his muscles tensing in some sort of emergency shutdown.

Then it happened.

A Dementor somehow got in front of him and roared, beginning to draw power from his fear. Harry felt his body go rigid and his eyesight failed. He felt… alone. He felt small. He felt like when he was only a kid, being abused by his own family. The pain, the nightmares, the unspoken abuse… all of it crashed down upon him with such force that he couldn't react. He couldn't fight.

"…_worthless…" _

"…_freak of a mother!"_

"…_should've died with…" _

"…_never wanted you…" _

Harry felt his mind growing dark, his vision seemed to be getting more and more blurry. He felt... sleepy. Yes… sleep… Sleep was good…

He shut his eyes and let go of his broom, his body slipping away from the Dementor, and plummeting towards the ground. He didn't know what was happening, he didn't hear the screams of horror and cries of astonishment. Wizards and witches began desperately trying to think of what to do. The stadium erupted into pandemonium as the sight of the Dementors became clearer, and they seemed to realize what had happened. But above all… Harry didn't hear the roar of an engine…

Over the screams, the rain, and the thunder, one sound bellowed out like a Viking war cry. Shattering the silence and shouts was the sound of a motor revving to propel the vehicle at immeasurable speeds, and a black blur shot over the stadium, and turned upwards. Lobo narrowed his eyes, punching one of the Dementors as he flew upwards towards the falling Harry. He assumed the school had some sort of safety net, but these freaks were attacking him. And Lobo wanted to know why. Aiming his bike with one hand, Lobo took a deep breath, knowing he had one shot at this. He waited as Harry kept falling, then a feeling in his gut screamed for him to act now, he snapped his arm out and _caught _Harry. Those that could see what was happening either stared in disbelief or burst into thunderous applause. Even the professors simply stared in amazement at what had occurred.

"Alright ya black bastiches. Gimmie your worst." Lobo challenged, sitting back on his bike and revving the engine. He hated doing this, but he whipped one of his chains out and threw it around himself, and by extent, Harry. Now with his contract secured like a baby to his chest, Lobo gunned the engine and flew towards the school. He found himself swerving back and forth, and even flying upside-down as the creatures seemed to desperately rush for Harry, as if their lives depended on it. "Ah, piss off!"

The sound of a loud BOOM! Was heard above Hogwarts as Lobo fired his shotgun off, the pellets and debris hurting some of the Dementors but not enough to cause them to change their course. Lobo knew that if he landed now, they'd come for Harry. Sure, he could fight them off, but that'd put the kid at risk. If he was awake, Harry could probably use some Whodo Voodoo spell to repel them, but that wasn't an option. The shrieks of anger could still be heard and Lobo replied with a middle finger. He snapped the break and the Hog jerked to a stop. He waited… then…

BOOM!

"Ha!" Lobo laughed as a Dementor's head was blown clean off, sending the corpse rag dolling to the ground below. However, this attack had a major downside. Namely, he got sidelined by a Dementor and it began to use its curse on him. From what he had read, the Dementors fed on happiness by dragging a person's fears to the surface…

Nothing happened.

Lobo grinned, then saw a bright blue flash and swore he heard some spell being shouted, but couldn't tell what it was.

"Aw… what's the matter punk? Ya ain't able to suck me off?" Lobo smirked. The Dementor seemed horrified, and tried to flee, but another one came from behind and attacked, knocking the chains off of Lobo, which caused Harry to slip off the bike seat, and through Lobo's hand which snapped to grab him. Growling in anger Lobo did the most logical thing.

He jumped.

The two were falling towards Hogwarts, Lobo had no means of closing the distance, so his mind set of improvising a plan… he had one, and it was bad. But it was a plan.

"I'm sorry 'bout this kid!" He shouted, spinning a hook around then throwing it at Harry. Thanks to years of bagging bounties, Lobo knew how to perform some tricks with the chained hook, this one being called the 'Reach Around'. And yes, that means what you think it does.

Regardless, the hook shot past Harry, then came back up, however, it went _around _him as it came up, and then caught a link, creating a sort of lasso. With a powerful yank, Harry was snapped back into the air, and into Lobo's waiting arms. No homo tho. His red eyes widening in shock as he saw the roof of Hogwarts approaching at alarming speeds, Lobo cursed aggressively.

"_**Damn my caring nature that I just found out I might have!" **_He yelled as he turned himself around. He felt his body shatter as he hit the roof, and powered through it like a cannon ball. Actually, he didn't just go through the roof. He went through three levels of the caste before shattering one last floor and landing with a sickening, squelching _WHAM! _on the floor. His body bloody, broken, and battered, he breathed almost as if he was near death. The only sound he heard aside form fall debris and his broken body, was the squelching sound of blood. Thankfully, it was _HIS _blood.

"Merlin's beard what happened!?" A female voice exclaimed in panic. Looking weakly to the left, Lobo saw a woman rushing over, she seemed to be dressed like… a maid? A nun? Agh… who cared?

"Fer Frag's sakes woman!" Lobo shouted, his body already healing. "Don't just stand there! Help th'kid!"

The next few minutes… were blurry. Lobo felt his body regenerating, and that included the blows to his head healing, meaning his vision go in and out of focus. Finally, he felt himself get strong enough to stand up.

"Okay. Screw the rules and screw their contract. I'm GUTTIN' one'a those freaks!" Lobo yelled, a fury unheard in the school for decades emanating around the hospital wing. Whistling, the SpaceHog burst through a window, making Nurse Pomfrey scream in shock, and Lobo ignored her as he got on, wrapping one of his hooks around his arm. "Time ta go fishin'."

Roaring back into the sky, Lobo didn't have to look hard to find one of the Dementors. They were flying above Hogwarts in confusion, fear, and anger. But then it changed to fear when the saw him coming. Throwing his hook, he heard the sickening squelch of flesh bring hooked, and threw his bike into reverse. Wailing in fear and pain, the Dementor was dragged back to the ground, a short distance away from Hogwarts. Letting his anger guide him (as he did ninety-nine percent of the time) Lobo got off his bike and walked over to the grounded Dementor.

_**CRUNCH!**_

One of the Dementors' legs snapped under Lobo's boot.

"Damn did that feel good!" He remarked with a twisted grin. "Alright Clyde, let's see what ya- HOLY FRAGAROLI WHAT THE HELL!" He began confidently but recoiled in genuine shock when he saw the Dementor's true face. "Where'd they find you ya incest ridden, meth-addict Cryptkeeper wannabe!"

By now, the Professors had arrived to see what had happened, with Severus, Albus and Minerva seeing what Lobo was doing now, while the others went to check on Harry. As they arrived, they saw Lobo grab one of the Dementors' arms, then snap it like a twig, before _stabbing the Dementor with the broken bone. _

"WHY!?" Lobo shouted, demanding an answer. The Dementor hissed in response, either unwilling or unable to talk. "IMMA GIVE YA FIVE SECONDS TO RE'CINSIDER!"

Five seconds passed…

"A'RIGHT! YOU ASKED FOR IT!"

Grabbing a machete off of bike, the Professors stared in horror as Lobo impaled the Dementor through the gut into the tree.

"What are you doing!?" Minerva screamed, never having seen such brutality… ever. And that included the First Wizarding War.

"My damn job! These freaks attacked th'kid! They ain't s'pposed ta do that! They're not animals, they're smart enough to strategize, which means SOMEONE set them up ta this!" Lobo snapped, still furious on unsafe levels. He walked back to his bike and pushed it backwards, the exhaust pipes directly under the Dementor's chin. "Now start talking or get Aussie-Fied!"

"Never…" The Dementor hissed. Wheezing out the single word in pain, Lobo said nothing, then shrugged.

"Yer choice."

Revving the engine, the Dementor wailed in agony as fire shot from the exhaust pipes, blazing the twisted creature's head into an even more horrific monstrosity. Lobo suddenly stopped, and looked at the professors. Minerva… didn't seem shocked, she seemed shocked by his brutality, but wasn't making any moves to stop him. That Snape dude was looking at him with a cold and calculating look that he always seemed to wear, and Dumbledore seemed angry, but not at Lobo.

"A'right, ya wanna talk NOW?" Lobo snarled. As the sizzling of rotting skin died down, a weak, painful moan escaped, and Lobo caught three words.

"Fear…Hunger…Pettigrew…"

Then the Dementor slumped forward, and faded from existence.

"Well shit." Lobo said annoyed. "That REALLY wasn't helpful…" He turned and looked at the Professors, his face one of indifference. But he could tell from their faces and body language what they were feeling. "If you three hate me, I get it. I'm not an easy guy ta like. But what I said stands true. I'll go to hell and back to protect Harry, and if you don't like my methods, I suggest you find some better methods so I don't hafta do this kinda crap because you thought hiring these freaks was a good idea!"

Snape wanted to comment of the idiotically and highly hypocritical nature of his statement, but… agreed. He had warned Albus of the dangers of the Dementors much like he warned him of the dangers of hiring a mercenary. But like it or not, Lobo had just proven to them that his word _was _true, and for that… Snape had to give him the slightest amount of respect.

"Ya should check on the kid. When I smashed through the roof, uh, sorry 'bout that… I broke most of my body, but from what I could see, he was fine." Lobo added. "I'll clean this up, and I'll do it so the students won't see it."

The three remained silent for a second, then looked to one another, silently nodding that this was to stay between them. As they left, Lobo called after them:

"Yo! Head dude!"

Albus paused and looked over his shoulder.

"When ya see the kid, tell 'im he was right. Aside from the traumatic head injuries, that Quid-thing was awesome!"

_Later… _

Harry didn't know how long he had been out, but as he came to, he felt… cold, sore, hot… it was impossible to pin down what had happe-

"Dementors." He whispered, only to suddenly be tackled into a hug. If took him a moment to realize it was Hermione and Ginny who were said tacklers.

"Thank goodness you're alright!" Ginny exclaimed. "We were so worried!"

"Bloody hell mate! We thought you were dead!" Ron added, relief washing over him as he saw his best friend alive and well.

"Hang on, hang on… what happened?" Harry muttered, his head still swimming. "How did I get here? And… and why is there a massive hole in the ceiling? And the window?"

The group looked to one another, unsure of how to explain it. Finally, Ron pointed over his shoulder, saying "Him."

Harry looked over and saw Lobo leaning against a wall. When he saw someone point to him, he looked over, and his eyes widened in surprise and he smirked.

"Glad ta see yer alive kid." He remarked walking over. "So, uh… next time yer playin' how about you don't fly that high."

"Wait. You saved me?"

"Yeah, I saved yer ass, and we cruised for a bit, I may have killed a Dementor… but in all seriousness, you good kid?"

"…why?" Harry finally asked, his tone seeming shocked that someone would do something like that for him.

"What?"

"The Professors could've caught me, but-"

Lobo looked to Hermione and Ron, his face more confused by anything. But from the looks on their faces, there was a LOT he didn't know about the kid, and that was concerning…

"Hey, what I told you stands, I'm here to keep you alive. And so far I've done that." Lobo shrugged. "Yo! Nurse! How's he doin'?"

"He's doing fine." Pomfrey said, frowning somewhat in annoyance. "But he needs rest, and more importantly, he needs quiet when possible."

Lobo blinked, then frowned crossing his arms over his chest.

"Fine. I can tell when I'm not wanted." He said over dramatically. "You need me, you know where I am."

"I don't believe I will need to."

Lobo smirked. _"Heh. I like her."_

As he left, Lobo cracked a beer he had on his belt and wandered the halls again. Thinking about what had happened recently. Frankly, he was feeling pretty good about himself. As he kept walking, he saw the blonde girl -or very feminine boy- who was the… kid of that Lucius prick he drop-kicked was over-exaggerating some small injury by a weird horse thing that happened the other day.

"Grow a pair and choke on em'!" He laughed as he walked by, flipping the group off.

He threw the doors to his room open and looked around. He had some stuff 'hung' on the walls (as in, things were stabbed into the walls with a knife) but he began to think more logically, something most wouldn't think he was capable of.

"Up yours." He scoffed.

Clearing off a far wall that was mainly stained with the remains of beer cans he chucked into this corner, Lobo stabbed the 'Wanted' poster for Sirius black into the wall. He proceeded to make a makeshift crime board, taking notes of who he knew, who liked who, and who might be a threat. Admittedly, the 'threat' category was extremely small, until he decided to change it to 'Threat to Harry'. This caused the list to grow exponentially.

He noted that Ron, Hermione… Lovegood? Yeah, the weird glasses girl, and the three other gingers (yes, he knew they had names, but right now he couldn't remember them.) were a small group who he could safely say _weren't _some sort of sleeper agent to kill Harry. He had smelled the truth in their words, and that was enough for now. He also made a list of 'Tolerates Me' and 'Hates Me' for the professors as of today…

"Damn. Three for eleven?" He remarked aloud, scratching his head. "Oof."

Finally, there was a scrap of paper with a single word, and he knew that somehow, this… 'Pettigrew' was gonna be real important over the next few years. And if he was someone the Dementors spoke of, there was a really, REALLY good chance he was gonna get fragged.

"Well, it don't matter what the hell ya throw my way Black. This is only gonna end one way." Lobo remarked, his eyes narrowing dangerously and grinning wickedly as he looked at the 'Wanted' poster. "'Cause these geeks are payin' me a heap a cash t'keep Harry alive, and it don't matter what plans you have, the Main Man, ALWAYS delivers!"

**So, to answer a question I've got a few times. Yes, this **_**will**_** be following the book's plots. **

**Somewhat. **

**When you add a character like Lobo into these stories, and into these characters' lives, things won't stay the same. At least, if you want the story to be interesting it won't. I'm not gonna spoil what's coming next, but let's just say there's still a way to go until this story is done, and whether he be at Hogwarts or… elsewhere, Harry now has the Last Son of Czarnia watching his back. **

**Stay tuned…**


	7. More Than One Way T'Skin A Bastich

About a month had passed since the ill-fated Quidditch match, and Lobo was starting to get used to the general weirdness that existed in this place. Sure, seeing Ghosts and magical animals and talking plants was weird, even to him, but after about a week he had gotten used to it. Or had stopped caring, either or.

Things were quiet, and that was both good, as it meant Lobo didn't have to deal with a lot of crap right now, but also bad because that left Lobo without much to do. He had considered reading up on the history of this place, or trying to figure out who some of the powerful egg-heads in this world was, and he did… for five minutes. Then he realized he could be doing something better with his time, like sleeping. Or watching paint dry. Or trying to find Sirius Black… That was actually really starting to get to Lobo at this point, he knew Black had been around Hogwarts, or at least in the woods, but the trail went cold. Not one to give up, Lobo had returned to the Ministry of Magic and looked over the few notes that they had about Sirius Black, seeing the insanity in his eyes, the depravity of his mind…

Lobo wasn't impressed.

He had seen a lot of killers in his life, heck, he _was _one. But something that bugged him was that Sirius didn't _seem _like a killer. Granted, there were lots of people who didn't 'look' bad, but that was how they got you. Black just seemed like some pissy asshole who was so egotistical and far up his ass that all he could see was the colour brown. Either way, he was going to die.

Harry had been doing his best to have a normal life despite everything going on, and hadn't seen his 'bodyguard' everyday, but was beginning to grow more comfortable with him. Lobo wasn't some sort of new father figure, but he was someone Harry could trust. That was something he most definitely needed these days… also, said bodyguard being a nigh-unkillable bounty hunter who could take on Dementors was a massive plus to him. Still, there were some problems aside from the obvious, namely, Hermione. Even by the hyper-intelligent Gryffindor Girl's standards, she was acting weird, and Harry didn't know what exactly to make of it. At first, he assumed it had to do with Lobo, but she had made it clear that Lobo wasn't an issue… and he believed her enough for the time being, but kept an eye on her.

Still, Lobo hadn't been prepared for what happened a few days ago… Harry had been talking with him, and then… the kid broke. It seemed like some sort of emotional baggage he hadn't realized he had made itself known.

"_It just… I mean… what a prick." _Lobo had commented, looking at the picture of the old Marauders. Initially, he had been talking about Draco, but hey, this applied to both.

"_He was their friend, and he betrayed them…"_ Harry had said quietly, beginning to tear up.

"_Who? Malfrag?" _

"_HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!"_ Harry suddenly snapped, Lobo blinking in shock.

"_I hope he finds me! Cause when he does, I'm gonna be ready! When he does, I'm gonna kill him!"_

Lobo had remained quiet, not sure if Harry was serious or not. He had seen this a million times… someone swore revenge, but when it came to it, they couldn't actually do-

"_Holy frag he's serious!" _Lobo had realized, seeing something in Harry's eyes. The kid was serious! He would actually frag Black!

"_Hell yeah." _Lobo nodded, exhaling some of his cigar smoke. _"That's th'spirit! Yer gonna gut this bastich fer what he did t'yer folks!" _

"_W..what if I can't…?" _Harry asked quietly, suddenly seemingly coming back to reality. Lobo didn't doubt that Harry might hesitate, he believed that Harry actually WOULD kill Sirius. That was impressive.

"_Then I'll kill the bastich." _Lobo had shrugged. _"Hell, if he comes within five miles of you, I'll kill him." _

Lobo wasn't a therapist, or a father, (well, a _good _father), so when it came to 'comforting' someone, he didn't have the slightest idea on what to do. But when it came to motivating someone to violence, hell yeah he knew how to do that!

Currently, it was a little bit after two, which meant Lobo was waking up from a long night of 'work' (binge-drinking) to a throbbing headache most likely multiplied in intensity by the radio implanted in his brain.

"Agh… frag it…" He groaned, pulling himself out of bed and get to his feet. He pulled on his clothes (which he realized were pretty much all he ever wore… but screw you, they're awesome so why should he change?) he opened the door and began wandering the halls. He figured the best thing to do was something he hadn't really thought about before. Talk to people. He didn't expect anyone here to be some sort of Black wingman or something stupid like that. If they were, they had probably told Black to run an not look back since he had arrived.

Unfortunately, the first three people he found were Snape, McGonagall and Lupin.

"Crap…" He cursed under his breath, before deciding to start with Lupin, as he hadn't really met the guy before, aside from some side glances and middle fingers in the halls. It was clear that if any of the teachers didn't like him… he was one of them. But in all seriousness (ha!), there really seemed to be something that Lupin didn't like about Lobo, but the main man needed answers, so there wasn't much he could do other than try and find common ground.

"Professor Lupin." Lobo said as he approached, trying his best to sound casual and somewhat respectable. Both of which he hated doing. The DADA teacher turned and sighed slightly, giving the bounty hunter a raised brow.

"Can I help you?" He asked dryly.

"Perhaps." Lobo remarked, noticing McGonagall's 'I-know-you're-trying-but-it-isn't-working' look out of the corner of his eye. "This Black bastich. What can you tell me about him?"

"Meaning?"

"Well, I've been through the ministry, and some of the criminal records, and the biggest thing I found is he's the kid's godfather… for some freakin' reason. I've been told that ya two were friends. I ain't here t'judge you for that, I'm here to ask if you know anything that might be helpful in stopping Black from killin' half the school to get to Harry."

"First of all, Black and I _were_friends." Lupin bristled, clearly off-put by Lobo's… well, Lobo-ness. "That monster has been nothing but a distant memory for some time. Second, what makes you think Black would kill students aside from Mr. Potter?"

"Eh, someone unhinged enough to break into a school t'frag a kid probably doesn't give a rats ass about collateral." Lobo shrugged. "I've bagged enough bounties of some dumbass who felt their ex took their kid and decided if they couldn't have them, no one could. Killin' an adult is easy, but when someone's willin' to bag a kid? They're not gonna care too much about common decency or even where they'll stop."

There was something haunting about the way Lobo spoke, and it gave Lupin pause. He seemed to be considering his answer for a bit longer than Lobo would've liked… but right now wasn't the time to demand answers.

"Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for you." Lupin remarked, then asked: "If you find Sirius Black, what are your plans?"

"Cut his guts out and hang him by 'em." Lobo shrugged casually, his tone making it clear he wasn't joking. "If this asshole is gonna try and kill the guy I'm paid to protect, then he's gonna die."

Lupin's eyes betrayed his calm demeanour, and after a moment he cleared his throat. "Uh, if you'll excuse me, I need to go prepare for class." With that, he turned and strode off down the halls.

"Mr. Lobo, was the neces-" Minerva began.

"That bastich is lying." Lobo cut her off, his eyes narrowing. "He knows something he isn't letting onto."

"And on what grounds do you make such an accusation?" Snape drawled in his usual indifferent tone.

"If he and Black ain't pals anymore, that makes sense. But he clearly knew Sirius for some time… so the fact that he isn't willing to say anything hints at something he's hiding." Lobo remarked. "Maybe it's guilt over not stopping him from screwing over Harry's folks, but there's something buried there… also. I've been pickin' up on a dog's stench, and Lupin has one similar to it…"

This did get Severus' attention, as he turned and looked to Lobo with a raised brow. The Potion Master was deep in thought before he finally voiced his question:

"Mr. Lobo, in the Spanish-Earth culture, are you aware of what your name means?" He asked.

"He who devours your entrails and thoroughly enjoys it." Lobo answered. This _did _mortify both professors, as neither of them believed that's what it mean in Spanish, but they could tell that he was probably talking about Czarnian culture.

"No, in Spanish language, 'Lobo' means 'Wolf'." Snape explained.

"Okay, and?" Lobo asked skeptically. "The Czarnian one is way cooler…"

"Are you aware of what Lycanthropes are?" Snape asked.

"Yeah, every furry's wettest dream…" Lobo snarked, then seemed to realize something. "Fetal's Giz! Are ya tellin' me Lupin's a damn werewolf!?"

"I… cannot answer explicitly." Snape admitted, and Lobo didn't sense the lies Lupin had been saying earlier. "However, lycanthropes are creatures known to our world, and the smell you may have picked up on was from one of them, as dogs for the most part are not common in these parts."

"So, either there's a Teen Wolf reunion goin' on nearby, or someone here is a furry." Lobo mused, beginning to pick up on some of the prof's implications. "Hrgh… it's been a while since I've dealt with one of those types… hang on. Are Black and Lupin werewolves? If so, y'know where I can get silver bullets?"

"I do not have much knowledge on the weapons you use, but the traditional myth of silver weaponry being the only thing lethal to a werewolf is… overstated." Snape replied. "However, that does bring me to my second point. It would be of great consequence to the staff and the Ministry if you were able to take Sirius Black _alive_ so he could be tried once more."

"Why? You're just gonna frag him afterwards." Lobo shrugged. "Cut the costs of housing him as a prisoner and the court costs outta the picture and just slab him where he stands."

"While I may share your opinion on what should be done with Sirius Black, there are still regulations which must be followed." Snape replied, and Lobo seemed a bit surprised.

"_Damn, we actually agreein' on somethin'. This must be bad." _Lobo thought with a slight frown.

"Okay, okay… so… this is gonna be weird, but is there any special events coming up? Birthdays, anniversaries, stuff like that?" Lobo asked.

"No… what are you getting at?" Minerva asked, somewhat puzzled by the seemingly random question.

"There's this vigilante I've crossed paths with, one of his enemies is called Calendar Man. He only commits crimes on specific days, and each crime is based on that day. He's a fraggin' joke, and how no one's killed 'im yet is beyond me… but I'm thinkin' of the day Sirius got arrested is soon, he may wanna take revenge on that day. Y'know what I'm sayin?"

"Yes… but there is no day or event where some sort of retribution would make sense." Minerva answered.

"All right. Thanks for the info." Lobo muttered, walking off. "I got some trails to hunt down, he can't hide forever, and sooner or later, he'll make a mistake." He left the castle mainly to smoke, but also to think things over. He wasn't just annoyed he was getting kind of pissed off… he was one of- no, _THE _baddest bounty hunter the galaxy had ever seen! So why couldn't he find a damn escaped loony!?

"_Unless… you're looking in the wrong places…" _A new thought came to him. Actually, that was a good point. He had spent so much time trying to act as if he didn't have Sirius' trail, when in reality, if he acted like he did, Black would be forced to act sooner. Once that bastich stepped foot into Hogwarts, Lobo could track him across the galaxy! The issue was, the shirt had a stench to track, but then… it went cold. _"No, no, you idiot! LUPIN!" _

"Oh. Right." Lobo blinked, taking a drag off his cigar.

Out of the corner of his eye, Lobo saw something run off into the woods. Deciding this was as good a lead as any, he took off after it. Running down the hill and into the woods once more. Because for some reason, _everything _seemed to end with him in these woods. He slid down the hill and kept running, disappearing behind trees and bushes, the figure kept darting. The issue was, now Lobo had its scent, which meant there was no way it could escape. Skidding to a stop, Lobo looked around as he heard an eerie cry, his spine shaking slightly as he looked around.

"Th'frag?" He muttered, looking for the source of the noise. He saw… probably the crappiest, most structurally-weak cabin he had ever seen, and that included some of the meth shacks he had shot up, not too far away. "Hrgh… I think I may have found somethin' interesting…" HE mused, before turning and heading back towards the school, believing he had part of the lead he was looking for… When he returned, he was wandering the halls, looking for Harry to ask him something.

"I'm warning you Hermione! Keep that bloody beast of yours away from Scabbers, or I'll turn it into a tea cozy!" He could hear Ron shouting.

"It's a cat, Ronald! What do you expect? It's in his nature." The Granger girl shot back.

"Hey. What I miss?" Lobo asked, walking next to Harry and watching his friends argue.

"Perently Hermione's cat tried to eat Ron's rat."

"If we were in Korea they'd eat both of them."

"A cat? Is that what they told you? It looks more like a pig with hair if you ask me."

"That's rich, coming from the owner of that smelly old shoe brush. It's alright, Crookshanks. Just ignore the mean little boy."

"Dogs are better!" Lobo called, ending their argument as they turned to look at him.

"You have a dog?" Harry asked.

"…..had." Lobo finally said. The trio was silent, then Hermione and Ron went back to arguing. "Hey, kid. Anything happen recently?"

"No." Harry shook his head, casting a brief glance to the map he was holding. "But I have a real bad feeling, and I can't say why… Everything I try to do just raises more questions. Hermione's acting mental, Buckbeak is going to be executed tomorrow, and Black wants me dead!"

"Yeah, I've gotten those too." Lobo nodded, ignoring the second part of Harry's remark, then let one rip. It was silent for a few moments…

"Aw, bloody hell!" Ron exclaimed.

**Next Time! Mystery! Intrigue! Answers! And the main attraction… **

**El Lobo vs Lobo!**


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